The Bloody Pit of Horror is a 1965 Italian horror movie that was worthy of MST3K, and probably would have been lambasted by the crew of the Satellite of Love had it not been slightly sexy. Very slightly. In truth though it has no nudity, and no real gore. Just some badly painted blood. Actually, I’m not sure why they didn’t get to it.
It really is a bad example of Drive-In fare, and has a difficult time at best maintaining one’s attention. However, what it lacks in artistic or even dramatic merit, it more than makes up for in inebriated viewing with friends, and doing one’s own MSTing. Do keep in mind that bondage themes and gratuitous sexuality, especially on the part of the women, is featured both prominently, and badly.
A synopsis, and the movie itself follow.
The movie opens in the past, with the execution of the Crimson Executioner, who apparently was bad enough that even people in the Middle Ages thought he’d gone too far. That seems promising enough, along with a voice over condemnation and a garish costume for our villain, until you see that his punishment is going to be getting locked into Gob’s Aztec Tomb with swords in the door. Naturally he vows revenge, who wouldn’t.
Moving on we see the credits, which mysteriously animate the Marquis De Sade’s name while claiming that the movie is based on his writing. I’m sure this is a totally false claim. Oh, and it’s filmed in “Psychovision”
We then are presented with an overly long driving scene to an “abandoned castle” where our “heroes” are arriving in three cars, two people each. Other reviews tell us that they’re looking to photograph some covers for horror novels and that the women are models, but really the dialog doesn’t make that or very much else clear.
The characters all have names, but I’ve forgotten them all except Rick, who appears to be the main guy you’re supposed to pay attention to. The other men are just Sleaze 1 and 2 (maybe 3? I forget) and Boss.
The women are slightly more distinctive. There’s Fembot Wearing a Pillow Case, Cindy Brady With a Cantaloupe Under Her Hair, MaryAnne from Gilligan’s Island, Pink Maoist Chinese Costume Lady, and Worst Ponytail Ever Lady.
They try the doorbell of the castle (CASTLES DON’T HAVE DOORBELLS ASSHOLE!), can’t get in, and determine it’s locked. So they break in. Huzzah for breaking the law!
Once inside they eventually run into a French Sailor who take them to see David Bowie, who is sitting in a room with shitty pots playing chess with himself. These people actually have names but I don’t care enough to learn any of them. David Bowie tells them they have to leave, they beg for a bit and then David Bowie sees Pillow Case and tells them they can stay, but only after he knocks over the chess board. TAKE THAT IMAGINARY OPPONENT!
The French Sailor then warns the crowd to stay out of the dungeons, so naturally that’s where they go instantly to start shooting their book covers. This really is a quaint premise, no?
We cut to a shot of Cindy with a knife through her neck (she probably deserved it) but it turns out that it’s just one of the shots in the photography montage that’s going on. Well, it would be a montage, but it takes forever and it’s clear they don’t know how to do a montage. Basically, it’s horror book cover set-up after horror book cover set-up for far too long all in the dungeons. Naturally someone breaks the wax seal on Gob’s Aztec Tomb.
Basically, long story short, now that the cat’s out of the bag, David Bowie goes crazy and starts killing everyone, claiming that he’s the reincarnation of the Crimson Executioner. He also goes on and on about his perfect body and its harmony. No, really.
Rick keeps trying to save people from these deaths and keeps failing miserably, although he does a decent job of killing French Sailors, but only after long and tedious fights.
Eventually David Bowie dies from hugging a scarecrow. No, seriously, that’s how he dies. I’m not spoiling anything by telling you that, because they telegraph it earlier when he tries to make a woman who’s been on a rack and probably has dislocated shoulders hug the same scarecrow. She’s smart enough to get killed by a chain, which by the way appears to be one of the deadliest devices in the torture chamber. It also gets a French Sailor. The chain, not the scarecrow.
Truth be told, if you can ever get this movie, do so on a budget. And only watch it with friends you can MST with. Preferably while inebriated. Unlike many other movies of this genre and age, it really has no redeeming qualities beyond horribly cheesy dialog, terrible effects, bad acting (even dubbed) and a plot so bad even it’s mother won’t accept it home.
In other words, it’s perfect.