You know that warm lovely feeling you get when you watch a really good movie and or show? The shows that make you smile, your day a little brighter for watching them? This isn’t one of them. This is a fucking physiological experiment to test your endurance for pain while the men in white coats laugh behind their damn two way mirrors. At this point it has become more like running a marathon with a broken leg then watching a show, at least for me. The only reason I keep going is because I will not let this orgy of bad writing, piss poor voice acting, outdated over the top characters and stereotypes of all the worse aspects of chauvinism beat me. Buckle your seat belts lads and lasses. This one is going to be a bumpy ride.
We start this episode of Gundam Unicorn with an over explanatory assessment of the damn operation….THAT SHOULD HAVE BEEN DONE IN A FUCKING BRIEFING NOT IN THE FIELD!!!!! Oh goddamn it, this episode is going to destroy all the action with shit monologues that explain nothing while over explaining everything. Oh wait not only that but we going to get the wonderful “drama” that is bland girl, I mean Aubry, and physco wallflower that is stalker crazy about Banagher.
Oh wow…I want to kill both of them. This is anything but “strong female characters”. The bullshit that both these “women” spouting hasn’t been seen on American television and cinema since I Love Lucy. No that’s not right. That demeaning to Lucy. The crap and attitudes these cows are spouting is more inline with a prepubescent boy’s first fan fiction. Not even ten minutes in and I’m already foaming at the mouth. Oh wait all that doesn’t matter another Mobile suite battle. Throw pretty stuff at the viewers and distract them from the fact that the writing doesn’t make any sense
Okay so guess that they blew up this Zeon base to get Bangher back. And during this we get to listen to corporate douche go on and on about how the military fell right into their trap and Banagher whine and bitch about how they fighting and should listen to him. While Aubry drones on and on about how she needs to get to Earth whining to the ensign that saved her. Followed by over explanation of her plans when they finally meet the Gundam. All while the battle is happening. ALL WHY THE GOD DAMN BATTLE IS HAPPENING! They have made a gundam battle boring.
If I could I would insert a great scene from Farscape here. In it you would see John Criton jumping around screaming frell. It is most apt in showing how I feel right now. Ten minutes, most of it Gundam and Mobile Suite battle and they have ruined it. Why am I surprised? This whole OAV has been one big screw you to the fans of any other universe then the UC. Why should this one be any different? Why should this one give any casual viewer or someone who wants to jump into the UC universe a chance to find out what in the holy hell is going on? That would make sense. And the writer of this is obviously madder then the Mad Hatter from Alice In Wonderland. He doesn’t want us drinking his tea so he pisses in it. Then when you dare bitch he pissed in the tea he screams at you that you don’t understand and proceeds to throw the tea pot at you.
On one of the few bright notes the Mobile Suite design is amazing. ** That’s not even the gundam. The animation and art is top notch. It is absolutely stunning, which makes this anime all the more painful. The nonsense and hypocritical platitudes that these fucktards spew during battles make you scream in agony. Twenty minutes in and the story has moved forward microscopically. Once again we have no understanding of pacing and good story telling do we writers? Why is it this entire OAV has no idea about pacing? Did these writers get their education about storytelling off a box of cereal? Or perhaps a Britney Spears video? Amazing animation is absolutely wasted by bad scripts. If your character development is non -existent and your story makes no fucking sense then no amount of pretty drawings will save if it.
Speaking of characters, our hero…our protagonist I should say as he is no hero, is once again whining that there shouldn’t be war; AS HE BLASTS ENEMY UNITS TO ATOMS! If you really feel that way you little shit, GET OUT OF THE FUCKING GUNDAM!! You little hypocrite. I hate Banagher more then I hate having a rotted tooth in my head. Actually dealing with the rotted tooth is less painful. Ten minutes of him whining while blowing shit up. Followed by trying “talk” to his friend that on the other side. Then they both start the nonsense about the gods forsaken Laplass box. SHUT UP ABOUT THE STUPID BOX! No one cares about this stupid box that neither side even bloody knows about. Shut your pie holes about the damn box. Oh thanks so much. Now you going on and on about Newtypes. Without saying a damn thing about them. Along with a bunch of techno babble that makes no sense about a machine that takes over other machines but only if they are Newtypes pilots and then…OH FUCK IT. I am back to confused and pissed because we have over explained something that makes no sense in the first place. These assholes are following the axiom “If can’t dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.” This is so much crap on crap. Once again this a fuck the audience scene.
I hate this goddamn show, I hate this goddamn show ,I hate this goddamn show..”Based on the model number this was probably built by Neo-Zeon.” This is said after a fight with the enemy, about an enemy mobile suite, that was captured and brought onboard the flag ship. Do you think so Stupid? Could it possibly be enemy manufacture? No wonder the Federation has had such luck getting rid of Neo-Zeon. They have such Einsteins working for them. And once again we stop the story to go on and on about technology that can’t exist, has no real bearing on the story and is boring as hell. Oh wait that being halted for manufactured drama about the prisoner. Oh for fuck sake shut up you little twerp. Banagher you little bastard you are becoming almost as annoying as sand in the crack of my ass after visiting the beach. No I take that back. Sand is less uncomfortable.
Gods I’ve had less wishy washy from a Laundromat. “To make a long story short” says the doctor as he drones on about Newtypes..yet again I am screaming “Too fucking late!” Which ever gods I have offended to be inflicted this torment I am truly sorry. Please forgive me and make it STOP! Newtyeism is just understanding each other?? Are you fucking kidding me? That called COMMUNICATION! Talking to each other and understanding where the other person comes from.
So you are telling me this whole fucking war comes from people being able to understand each other? Without issue? ARE YOU FUCKING RETARDED? That is the opposite of the reason for war! The ability to understand each other without problem would solve all the worlds problems. These writers were dropped on their heads as children. They have to have been for this to make sense to them.
And now the enemy pilot is spouting out such sexist crap that you know it had be written by a lonely malcontent with no social skills. It’s the only way to explain how “I have a master and his is mine” can actually enter a script in modern times. The stupidity burns. And if I hear one more thing about this damn box that equals nothing I’m going to go on a rampage that won’t end till everyone involved with this bloody anime is lit on fire with their knees shattered. And the rest of this is heading towards being about the damn Box. And hypocrisy. Lots and lots of hypocrisy. I want to bash Banagher’s head against the wall. I am so tired of hearing him whine that he has to kill people…after happily jumping in the cockpit and blowing everyone away. It times like these I am tempted to try to force choke somebody.
Then the copout ending…oh fuck this show. It tries to be too many things and what ever message of the moment it trying to convey, which it changes frequently, is lost in the mess. Between over explanations and two dimensional characters that you hate from the minute they open their mouths what little good will is earned from the animation is very quickly burned up in rage. Mealy mouthed Galahads that have no understanding of their own philosophies mated with damsels that you want to distress speaking trash that was unacceptable in the 80’s let alone when this massive piece of crap was made in 2006, leaves you as a viewer with no relatable characters in a story that quickly becomes over complex and starts collapsing under its own weight. Character development is put to the back seat of unnecessarily complicated explanation and monologue. The only bright side to this entire debacle is my fiancé was treated to a laughing jag as I exploded into a screaming fit that has left me horse.
Next time on Drumming out of Beat, we will be taking a break from gundam Unicorn to review a book of Japanese Fairytales as translated from German by Bradley Hall. Then back to the mess. If you have any material you would like me to review, send me an email Menoth22@gmail.com. Till next time.