Oh God. Goddamn. I’m awake. That means I didn’t die. What a bastard. Christ, how much of this shitty Mexican heroin do I have to do to OD? More than I can afford, most probably. Ah, man… speaking of, what time is it? I can probably make it to the studio, and those sons of bitches better pay me in cash today or I’ll… what? Quit? Nice dream, asshole. Alright, christ, what say you, fax machine? Ah, here we go: “We need that theme song for the animated show we’re doing about the Rubik’s Cube. Today. Be here by midday at the latest.” It’s ten in the morning… I think; these blackout curtains aren’t helping. I guess I better go outside and find out. Doo, doo, doo, lookin’ out my back door… fucking Credence. They come to L.A. from nowhere and live the dream, I come to L.A. from nowhere and after years of club gigs, working my ass off night after night, honing my craft and trying to meet the right people and make the right connections over the years, the best job I can get is writing and singing the theme songs for Hanna-Barbera cartoons! And not even the ‘good’ ones, I only get to score the cash-grab, every-frame-an-unoriginal crap they pump out. Anyway. Anyway. Okay, let’s get it together, let’s make a plan, a list:
1) Sigh deeply
2) Sigh even more deeply
3) Score some heroin
4) Get to the studio
5) Listen to my soul die trying to find something that rhymes with ‘Rubik’s’
Alright, I’m here. Man, the studio engineer looks worse than me. Is that… is that possible? Guess so. Ah, FUCK! FUCK! The Big Man is here, Joseph Barbera himself! Shit, he’ showing up for this? Really? Oh, now he’s talking at me. Yes, please keep doing that while looking at me like I’m cancer in your mistresses’ vagina. “We need to establish a sense of joyous adventure” he says. “We need this theme to really sell the idea that Rubik, our anthropomorphic hero, is someone every little boy and girl will want as a friend” he says. “We need it to be upbeat, happy, but with an element of mystery and adventure, and the lyrics need to explain how our heroic little cube came to be a magical being” he says. Oh good, he’s leaving. God, there must be a lot riding on this if the man himself felt he had to come down and make sure I knew what’s needed. Hmmm… maybe if I put in a modicum of effort, there might me some extra cash in it for me. Alright Superstar, Maestro, Virtuoso, Poet, Literary Genius, we can do this! We can… oh God this is my life! Oh my soul is screaming it burns where’s the bathroom heroin heroin heroinheroinheroin… ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… oh good, my soul feels dead. Okay, the engineer has my notes for the music, so it’s time to work on the lyrics… let’s see… okay, how about
Once upon a time, in a cube-tastic place
A special little cube with feet and a face
No, too cutesy. Hmmmm…
On a magical night in a magical land
A genie held a cube in his genie-ish hand…
Oh God, that’s awful. That’s… wow, even I’m shocked at how bad that is. Maybe if I just be honest?
A toy that was sold a million times
Wasn’t enough, so we did some lines
“We need to cash in on this piece of kit
What else do kids love? Cartoons and shit?
Let’s make up some nonsense for the mindless fucks
This coke’s running out,, we need more bucks!”
Yeah. Yeah, I think that’s got it. I don’t think I can buy heroin with the massive amount of fired I’ll get, though. Okay, I’ll make myself a deal: Do this, and I promise I’ll go home and give myself the greatest gift of all: The sweet, sweet release of death.
Let’s see what they think of this: