Welcome to another Weekly Time Waster! My name is Scott or Canadian Scott if you prefer and my area of nerd love comes from watching movies. I love them all; sometimes the worse a movie is, the more I love it. This weekly column is going to be bringing you some of the new release movies from the week relevant to us in the nerd world. I won’t be giving you spoilers but instead you’ll get to see some trailers and my thoughts on the movie. Enjoy and feel free to let me know of any others you think I missed.
As I was perusing the releases this week I noticed a couple things, one, there was a lot of Christmas releases out today which really means that Halloween is coming and two, there was nothing big out this week. But we don’t go for the big stuff here so this week we ask a series of questions: first, if you give the title of your movie an arty flare, does it make it better? Next we ask if getting disfigured in a tractor accident are grounds for murder. Then we ask what the girl from Spy Kids has done with herself since Spy Kids and the new Machete movie? And finally we wonder if making a possession film using the Amish is tapping into a niche market?
Beast: A Monster Among Men
I think the trailer asks the question, what really happened at six rivers? Well if you want the answer in the trailer, you’re not going to get it. Judging by the all too brief trailer, I was surprised that this is not a found footage film which I guess that have that going for them. From what I can tell, it looks like we are getting either a big foot or werewolf. Why call this thing Beast: A Monster Among Men I have no idea because it didn’t look like he was among men but kinda lurking around and then attacking the men. I really wish we could see more, maybe a quick trip to IMDB might shed some light…nope, I’m still at a loss but you know what at an estimated budget of $20, 000 oh wow. Do not expect high quality here folks and judging by the description I’m worried the title and the monster at the end are red-herrings.
I think we need to go and do this review as I watch it. Who says “burn one” when referring to smoking weed? No one? Okay just wanted to make sure. Mom, no one made fun of your daughter’s lack of face they instead were leering at her because she decided to get naked with the window wide open thus lending herself to stares from everyone, not just three kids. Sorry why is a girl walking through a corn field, on her own, with a wagon of pumpkins? Why did those girls decide to pick on her and throw pumpkin innards at that little girl? And now they chase her into the path of a tractor?! And the worst thing that happens is half her face is wiped off? Well she could’ve died I guess. And the cast is full of horror clichés! Is the red herring killer wearing a hoodie that says “Bates Motel” on the back? Why do I feel that is a sign of who the real killer is? “I’m going to smash your ass and smoke it” is the worst phrase is cinema history.
We all know Alexa Vega as the girl from Spy Kids. After they filmed like five of those films she fell off the map for a lot of people until she resurfaced in promos for the new Machete sequel where she gives a lot of guys out there awkward boners because we all remember her from Spy Kids. Well this movie is out before that and she is dressed all slutty for Halloween thus still giving you an awkward boner. Carmen, didn’t really catch her new characters name, and her friends including what I believe is a foreign exchange student from India because diversity spend the night in an abandoned mine because Halloween. There is some talk of buried kids alive and implications that maybe the kids didn’t die down there and have now become weird and strange mole people who don’t matter as we will never see them until the very end and it will be a huge disappointment. Oh and there is found footage moments too.
Not to be too personal here but my wife’s name is Amy and when I saw a movie with the exact same name as her, I needed to see what genius piece of movie making this was. Now I try to not be biased but my wife is 300% better then this which won’t win me any points in the homestead but still. Did you ever sit and think to yourself, man I wish there was a horror movie told from the perspective of the fabled Amish? Well first, I think you need to get out more and two, I think we found you something for the spank bank later. Amy tells the story of a possessed girl within the Amish community and how they deal with it. Now I don’t believe anyone here is genuinely Amish as the cameras and technology would probably bother them but I think the makers of the film have probably taken some creative liberty here. That priest with the died blonde hair is definitely a trip and boy do they go heavy on the god speak so if religion, possession and/or the Amish are triggers for violence then you’ll want to avoid this movie. Also, don’t be surprised if we get some strange Rosemary’s Baby meets The Wicker Man ending which undoes the whole movie.
That’s all for this week folks! Take the time to look up some of the selections this week and be sure to let me know what you thought. Don’t forget to hit the comments and let me know if I missed something or if there is a movie out there you think I should check out. Make sure you check out some of my friends on Nerditis and my new column The Northern Dead and old favourite Tales from the Northside. I’ll see you next week! Also upcoming this month is Nerditis Halloween week which will feature some great themed columns and articles including new movie reviews from your truly!