Late to the Game: Grand Theft Auto V

gtav_logo

“…Fanboys (and girls). Fanboys (and girls) EVERYWHERE.”

GENRE: ACTION/SANDBOX
PLATFORM: PS3/XBOX 360
DEVELOPER: ROCKSTAR NORTH

Oh boy.

Yep.

Yep.

One of the reasons why I’m a bit reluctant in reviewing Grand Theft Auto is for the same reason why I’m a bit reluctant in reviewing Pokemon X/Y: Fanboys (and girls). Fanboys (and girls) EVERYWHERE. Seems like the norm of late is that saying anything bad against Grand Theft Auto V is as offensive as kicking a puppy while wearing a Nazi uniform and receiving a blowjob at the same time from a ten-dollar whore while swinging a dead baby overhead and rubbing a pair of bare ass cheeks against your ancestor’s gravestone, and that just ain’t right.

Sounds like something Trevor would do, anyway

I have GOT to stop giving this guy ideas!

Which is why I’m going to do something to the same effect as the erasure disclaimer I did for the Armored Core V review. You know the drill: fan of GTA, been playing since the first game, loved San Andreas, yadda yadda yadda. Now, let’s get down to business, shall we?

There’s no denying it: GTA V is a beautiful, beautiful game. The visuals are just stunning and wonderful to behold, from the busy freeways of Los Santos to the large sprawling nothing of Blaine County, there will always be something to take your breath away. Even the size of the map could take your breath away, for it is so huge the geeks at Cambridge are busy coming up with a new word that could best describe it.

So big it has its own website. That is not a joke.

So big it has its own website. That is not a joke.

That alone might not justify a purchase, since after all, “Just Cause 2″ have proven to us that large maps does not always guarantee a large variety of entertainment value. GTA V, however, seemed determined to change all that by providing us with an impressive variety of activities that’ll be sure to make you forget you EVER have an actual real life outside of the game’s world. Why ELSE would they include a frickin’ Triathlon and goddamn Yoga classes in a game about mostly stealing cars and shooting people?

Unfortunately, the large variety of entertainment value here only seems to serve to distract you from the stealing cars and shooting people part, and now it’s time for the other shoe to drop.

And here. We. Go!

And here. We. Go!

You can sugarcoat it all you want, but the fact remains the same: the controls are psychotically clunky. That’s not an exaggeration, folks: you are forced to walk ALL THE TIME in an action-oriented game where the intense action forces you to RUN all the time. I know that the game was aimed to make it closer to a cinematic movie experience by having your character move in an as close to a realistic manner as possible, but having to stand from cover to have Franklin do his little swagger while lead is flying everywhere just kills the immersion. Oh, and you know something else, Rockstar?

MOVIES. ARE NOT. VIDEOGAMES. YOU. ASSHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLES!!

...

…I don’t even…*sigh*

Yes, you can make the game as close to a cinematic experience as possible using the in-game elements. Yes, you can deliver Academy Award-winning narratives with three amazing protagonists each with their own engaging sets of storyline (with Trevor just one clown make-up trauma away from becoming Heath Ledger’s Joker). Yes, you can make every vehicle you drive in handles as close as humanly possible to their real-life counterparts, but this is a goddamn VIDEO GAME for fuck’s sake!

You can’t expect the player to understand the complexity of flying a goddamn airplane in real life just so that they can fly a goddamn airplane in a goddamn VIDEO GAME! Because that’s just psychotic!

crop duster

And not the FUN kind of psychotic, either!

I will say that there are plenty of good things to say about Grand Theft Auto V, but allow me to remind you that there are plenty of bad things to say about Grand Theft Auto V as well. That’s not saying that this game isn’t worth playing, but that’s not to say that this game is the shining example of perfection the fanboys seems to paint it either. And since I can already hear the fanboys marching up Nerditis HQ’s front doors with pitchforks and torches, I think I’ll just shut the fuck up and give my verdict now before moving to Timbuktu.

I'M THE KING OF A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING!!

I’M THE KING OF A WHOLE LOTTA NOTHING!!

VERDICT: Four out of Five Fully-Armed Angry Fanboys (And Girls)

P.S. Remember what I said earlier about the map owning its own website? Remember when I also said it was not a joke? Yeah. It was not a joke.

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7 responses to “Late to the Game: Grand Theft Auto V

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