Life In Plastic: I Am A Moron, So Let’s Talk About GI Joe!

I am a moron.


Sure, the house is being torn up for plumbing repairs and stuff, but I should have at least done SOMETHING, like maybe the News post you guys missed on Monday?  Well, I happened to see GI Joe: Retaliation today before I realized what I forgot, and since it’s tangentially toy-related, here are my thoughts.  WARNING: HERE BE SPOILERS:

-Wow.  It’s a surprisingly improved sequel.  It’s like they took all the complaints about the first movie to heart.  Also, since the first one ended on a cliffhanger, this movie really picks up that thread and runs with it.

-And once agan, The Rock, who is mixed African and Samoan descent (though I always saw more Samoan than black) is cast as “The black dude,’ complete with kids who clearly have no Samoan in them at all.

-A Korean guy plays the Japanese Storm Shadow.  His cousin is played by… I had to look her up.  Mixed French-Cambodian.  Oddly, the mixture looks Indian.  DEAR HOLLYWOOD:  THERE ARE MORE THAN THREE ETHNICITIES.  Though Elodie Yung is the most beautiful actress in the movie, so I can’t complain too much.

-Lady Jaye looks like a supermodel, and clearly spends hours each day on her makeup and hair, including when she’s going into a combat situation.  I’m nitpicking, but I’d really like to see normal-looking women in movies more often.

-Flint starts out as a jerk, but every time the situation is serious, he buckles down and does a great job.  No complaints!

-Roadblock and Duke’s friendship is really well-done in only a few scenes.  If this was why they delayed the movie for a year, it was a good decision.

-Yes, Duke dies for real.  He doesn’t get any last words, and the explosion that takes him out isn’t even that dramatic – it’s just big enough to make it clear what happened.  And in casu think he might be alive, Roadblock retrieves hie yos dog tags in a genuinely heartbreaking scene.

-So, what about all the Joes from the first movie?  The foreign guys got recalled to their countries, and I assume everybody else got killed in the big purge.  Bye bye, Mr. Wayans.

-President Zartan is really, really hilarious.  He stole the show!

-No, the warden stole the show.  Awesome warden.

-That prison somehow seems less humane than just executing the bad guys.

-Cobra Commander and Storm Shadow escape, but leave Destro behind.  Will he be back in the sequel, or did he get roasted to death in the prison when the air conditioning failed?

-Woah!  Storm Shadow outran a fireball, but got burned, anyway!  It’s closer to realism!

-Firefly is awesome.  They picked the right guy to play him.

-I like the new Pit.

-You know how in most movies, people jump to outlandish conclusions from limited data and they’re right?  “The President holds his thumbs differently! he’s an imposter!”  Though granted, this just makes them suspicious, and they actually confirm it with evidence later.

-Cobra Commander is cool.

-Dear Mr. RZA;  Please stop.  You are not a good actor.  I know that you like kung fu movies, but you don’t seem to know how to behave in one.  First The Man With The Iron Fists, and now this.  STOP.

-Hi Jinx, who clearly is not related to your cousin!

-The mountaintop temple fight scene was incredible.  I usually roll my eyes at Ninjarly antics in GI Joe, but this one was really, really good.  Also, LOL STORM SHADOW BODYBAG HAHAHAHAHA.

-In the first movie, Storm Shadow was supposed to say “I did not kill our master” just as he died, but that was cut out.  It’s nice to see them revisit the plotline here.

-Bruce Willis really only plays one character, but somehow it’s always the right one.

-Nice, tense scene at the gala.  It’s mostly standard, though, up to the Roadblock/Firefly fight.  The one with car-fu.

-The nuclear summit was great – best use of Angry Birds ever!  Also an interesting plan to disarm everybody’s nukes by forcing them to fire them all and then abort.  Risky, but the kind of insanity COBRA would do.

-Okay, final fight stuffs:

-Zartan really missed his chance to shoot Storm Shadow when he was down, though I guess he couldn’t have predicted that the guy could cut down a bullet in mid-air.  And so, Zartan gets a fitting death… though it’s sad how Arnold Vosloo really didn’t get to play his own character.  I like Arnold Vosloo.

-The president-rescuing mission was a great moment of Bruce Willis kicking everybody’s ass.

-Hey, where was Flint?  The last time Ir eally remember seeing him, he was picking out that grenade launcher that comes with the Bruce Willis toy.

-Roadblock has a great tank chase as he blows up a bunch of HISSes, takes on Firefly in a boat chase, and then fights him hand-to-hand.  Easily the best fight in the movie just because it’s so brutal, and both actors are really charismatic.

-HA HA TAKE THAT FIREFLY!  As sad as it is to see an awesome character get killed off (because they can never use him again), that was really nice.

-Cobra Commander escapes, setting up the next sequel.

…You know, I really liked the movie.  And sorry about spacing out, guys!

One response to “Life In Plastic: I Am A Moron, So Let’s Talk About GI Joe!

  1. “Lady Jaye looks like a supermodel, and clearly spends hours each day on her makeup and hair, including when she’s going into a combat situation.”

    Haven’t seen the movie yet, but I feel forced to comment on this. In the cartoon, Lady Jaye was clearly a lesbian, but was forced to hide her true sexuality due to the political nature of the armed forces at the time. Now that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell has been repealed, she should go out there and be who she is! And she is anything but Covergirl!

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