Hello, good Nerditis readers/poor souls! The link that you just clicked on brought you to the darkest depths of internet fandom, because this is where we look at, and mock, terrible FanFiction!
Now, a few quick things. First, this is something that has been around awhile. It started out on ToplessRobot.com under Rob Bricken. It can be found here: http://www.toplessrobot.com/search.php?tag=Fan%20Fiction&blog_id=132.
Rob Bricken wrote FFF for several years, until he went to iO9. Tragic, yes. The intent was for it to follow him over, but a bunch of iO9’s readership went total PC and whined until it was taken down. Rob has kindly given us his blessing/pox to carry on the tradition. As I have no soul, I’m taking the reigns now.
Secondly… oh, wait, there is no secondly. That was it. Sorry.
Now, before the story begins in earnist, let’s take a look at the Authors Note, shall we?
Hey, guys! So, even though it’s a little bit late, I decided to upload a Valentine’s Day story for you guys. Yes, I know I’ve been gone for a long time, and you all are probably currently tracking my ISP so that you can force me to finish the next chapter in Parallel Lovers, but be patient; it’s coming! In the meantime, please enjoy this story; it’ll be a two-parter, so don’t get your knickers in a twist if you hate the ending for this chapter! It’ll end well, I promise! Now then, what is it that I always say? Oh yeah…
Oh, fuck you! Fuck you and your mother! You have no right to use Allons-y, you perverted fuck! If David Tennant saw this, he’d… he’d probably go off and cry. Like a normal person.
It’s Valentine’s Day. Most people love the holiday; a chance to be with the one you love most. Most people take their crushes or girlfriends or boyfriends out to a romantic dinner; maybe treat them to a movie or something. Most people in life have love.
Bullshit, I sat at home watching Kung Fu movies. Most of the people I know didn’t do something special. Point is, that is total bullshit.
Well, guess what… I’m not most people. Most people don’t want to be around me. I’m just an obscure little freak with two tails. Nobody could ever love me; nobody could ever want me. I’m bad genes; nothing else, really.
That sounds oddly racist.
Don’t get me wrong, though. It’s not like I don’t have any friends. There are a few people out there who like me for my personality and my intellect, and who don’t judge me for my looks. But I couldn’t bear to ask them over today; it’d just be awkward.
All this I think to myself as I stare out the window of my small brick house in the middle of nowhere. There’s no snow; the whole forest is covered in hard dirt and dark, hibernating trees. In every way possible, it’s a disgusting evening.
Where the fuck does Tails live? A forest? The worlds strangest/dumbest city?
I abruptly turn away from the window and walk away. I can’t bear to see outside tonight; I’m just too depressed. Eventually, I find comfort in the cushions of my armchair. The house is dimly lit; just don’t feel like lights.
I sigh, and I flick on the television. It’s BBC. Doctor Who is on, but it’s that episode where Rose Tyler is trapped in that alternate dimension, and never sees the Doctor again. I turn the TV off, and I am once again left in the silence of my own home.
Well, this could mean that the author really hates Rose, or it could mean he loves Rose. Both are terrifying. Also, if Doctor Who exists in the Sonic universe, does that mean all the actors are animals? Or, are they just regular Humans?
I look around for something to do; something to pass the time. There’s and old photo album on the bookshelf; I guess I could look through that. My hands flutter through the pages, looking at old pixilated photos and newer ones, taken through my own camera that I invented.
My hand stops and rests on the face of one of my longtime friends. A smile comes to my face as I see who it is; Sonic the Hedgehog. Just thinking his name makes my heart flutter a bit. His photo smiles back at me, encourages me with that half-grin that I love so much.
Well, I suppose I should explain the whole “heart flutters” and “I love so much” thing. You see, I have had, and still have, feelings for him. Things I couldn’t explain at first, but that become clearer as time goes on; things that bubble to the surface every time I see him. I know what these feelings are; I’ve felt them other times too. It happened with Shadow for a while, but then I just stopped seeing him. Honest, I felt quite down, downer than I should’ve. But Sonic was there for me, and I recovered. And the same feelings surfaced again after a while. I realized what they were. They were loving feelings.
Either there is lots of Homophobia in the Sonic universe, or Sonic/Shadow are straight. I don’t know which it is, but there you go.
Meh; but Sonic could never have those feelings back towards me. He’s just too… perfect. But I suppose… I suppose that’s what keeps me going through all these Valentine’s Days; you know, the hope. The hope that someday, he’ll come knocking at my door, confessing his hidden love for me.
Yeah, that’ll totally happen. Keep hoping that. You won’t die of old age. I promise.
I feel better now; it’s not strange that thinking about him always improves my mood. Out of some unknown impulse, I kiss my finger and gently lay it on his face before I close the photo album. “I love you, Sonic. Some day, maybe you’ll come and say the same thing about me.”
But it’s late. It’s been late for a while now. It’s why I’m depressed; yet another Valentine’s Day alone. It’s time for bed; I yawn and walk into my bedroom. I don’t bother with my clothes; I just fall face-first onto my bed and decide to sleep. As I give a deep yawn, a thought crosses my mind. Maybe next year he’ll come knocking…
STAY TUNED FOR THE CONCLUSION IN VALENTINE: PART II
And that’s the end of chapter one. But we’ll push on.
There’s a loud ring as my doorbell blasts through my overly-sensitive ears. It can’t be morning already; the sun’s not even up yet! I groan and look over at my clock. 3:45 AM. Who the hell is ringing my doorbell at four in the god-damn morning?
Tails finally has a reasonable reaction to something. Good for him.
Oh, I guess my depression is gone; replaced by irritation. Well, who wouldn’t be irritated if someone was at your door at an hour when no person in the world should be awake?
A fair point, me thinks.
“Go away!” I cry out. “Whoever you are, I don’t have a phone for you to use, and I don’t care if your car is broken!” I really don’t, actually. Normally, I’m a nice person, and I’d help in an instant. But this is ridiculous.
Another loud ring. And another. I groan loudly to myself as I pull myself out of bed. I quickly glance in the mirror; try to flatten out those three bangs on top of my head. No such luck. I brush out my fur really quick, and then I somehow manage to drag myself out into the living room.
Is “brushing fur” like putting on clothes in the Sonic Universe?
Another ring sounds throughout the house. I stub my toe on the wall, and I let out a loud yelp. I glance through the peep-hole, and see nothing.
I slowly open the door, and my heart skips a dozen beats as I realize who it is. The cobalt wonder steps one sneaker into my home, and I’m instantly overcome with feeling.
“Sonic…” I say, almost breathlessly. It’s been so long, almost a month since I’ve last seen him.
“Hey, Tails.” Sonic returns the greeting with a faint and weary smile, and an almost equal lack of breath. He looks awful; like he hasn’t slept in days. “Sorry about the time, but…” He looks down at his shoes, not finishing his sentence.
I can barely respond. I’d imagined seeing him again, but I wasn’t prepared for this. I feel like some horny high-school freshman meeting a member of the cheerleading squad. “No… that’s not – not a problem. Please come in.” I give a sheepish chuckle and a quick hand motion, welcoming him into my house.
He seems almost reluctant to put his other foot in my house, as if he’s worried about something. Eventually, he enters, looks down at me, scanning my eyes with his. Honestly, I hope I’m keeping my composure. It would be awkward otherwise.
“So…” He clears his throat. “I probably owe you an explanation.”
A thought floods my head. I could only guess what the explanation might be. I begin to hope that this is a miracle; that everything I could ever want might actually be happening right now. But, unfortunately, it seems more likely that he was just having trouble sleeping and needed someone to talk to. I can see the weariness in his eyes, and I have to bite my lip to resist the urge to just wrap my arms around him and kiss him; to tell him that it’s all going to be all right.
I swallow the large lump that’s gathered in my throat. “No, not at all; sorry about yelling at you through the door and all.”
He smiles, looking somewhat relieved. “Do you have some coffee?”
And by coffee, I bet he means sex.
A few wordless minutes later, we’re sitting on the couch, both staring at each other, awkwardly sipping cups of coffee. We can’t separate our eyes off of each other. The thought that he’s feeling what I’m feeling can’t escape my mind. I still feel that this is some sort of miracle, that perhaps God has answered my prayers. But if this is a work of the divine, it sure picked a great time to present itself.
Oh. He meant actual coffee. That may be the most surprising thing in this story.
I set my coffee up down. “Sonic, I…” I try to say something, but he holds a hand up to stop me.
Sonic sighs and his eyes dart to the ground; he lowers his head. “Tails, I just… there are some things in life that you can’t keep inside. They just… well, they just chip away at your sanity until there’s nothing left.”
A swallow another lump in my throat; there’s no doubt in my mind anymore that this is a miracle. The sound of my breath fills the room as I wait for him to continue.
You know, if there is a god(s), I bet he spends all his time getting underage hedgehogs to fuck even younger anthropomorphic animals.
“I… I don’t know why I came here tonight. I thought that this could wait for a couple more days or weeks; maybe until I could get ready to… to tell you.” He sighs, and gently puts his coffee next to mine. “Tails, I…” Sonic rubs his hands together. He’s trying to hold back tears. He looks up at me, his eyes full to the brim; on the verge of breaking down into a sobbing fit.
I place a reassuring hand on his arm. I’m tempted to go further; to embrace him and tell him that everything is fine, and that I love him too. But I decide against it.
“It’s all right, Sonic.” I say. My voice is broken, obviously shattered by my best friend’s lack of confidence. How can I hold it together while the pinnacle of heroism breaks down beside me?
Well, probably the same way I did when I played Sonic Heroes.
“Tails, I…” He begins his sentence again, his voice catching on the “I”. I know what he’s going to say, he knows what he’s going to say. “I’m in love with… with…” And then it starts. He can’t take it anymore. “I… I just can’t…” Tears stream down his face as he fails to tell me his big important thing.
I summon all the courage I have and bring my hand up from his arm to his muzzle; I wipe away some of his tears. He shudders at the feeling, turning once again to face me, his emerald eyes wide open. I smile gently at him.
“I love you too, Sonic.” I say with a shaky voice, almost in a whisper. I still don’t know for sure that he’s talking about me, but I have faith.
Sonic blinks. He blinks again. His mind is trying to wrap around what I just said. To help speed things along, I decide to take a big risk. I lean in, slightly cocking my head to the left, and, after what seems like an eternity, my lips reach his, and I press them together. There’s another soft whimper from the hedgehog.
Oh? Oh, are we finally getting to the fucking? Okay.
As I pull away from the kiss, he looks at me with watery eyes. He manages one word. “Tails…”
I smile once again at him. He smiles back this time; and then he leans in. Our lips reconnect. He closes his eyes, I close mine, and I just let the feeling of the moment take me away. I run my tongue across his lips; he wraps his arms around me and allows me to enter.
Our tongues dance together like two duelists striking blades together; seeking dominance over one another. I lean in further, and eventually, I cause him to fall back onto the couch. I adjust myself so that I’m straddling him as I continue to fight within his mouth. I hit his sweet spots, he hits mine. A moan of pleasure passes from my mouth to his; I just can’t help myself.
“Sweet spots”? You’re making out not making love, Tails.
Thoughts flood through my overwhelmed head my head. All those fantasies that I’ve had about him, all those dreams; the entirety of them combined can barely hold a candle to what I’m experiencing right now. I lean down further, pressing our bodies together. He makes a soft whimper, and I return one as the pleasure overwhelms me even more than it already has.
Unfortunately, I’m forced to bring myself out of the kiss, because apparently I need oxygen, even during moments like these. As I breathe heavily, Sonic looks up at me; he’s blushing. Well, so am I, probably.
No. You don’t need oxygen. Really.
He blinks away the last of his tears, and he whispers my name softly. It’s then that I realize that I can’t stop here; we’ve both been waiting too long for this. He keeps whispering my name, and I respond by running my hand from behind his ear, all the way down to his hip, and all the way back up again. He replies with another keep kiss, once again hitting all of the sweet spots in my mouth.
I have to agree with Neil on this one.
I disconnect our lips; he voices his displeasure with a soft moan. I unbutton it and pull it off. It isn’t long before I take my own shirt off as well. I rub our chests together. Sonic can only smile; he’s lost in pleasure right now.
I run my hands down his lean, muscular sides, stopping at his beltline. I look up at him, asking permission. The most coherent response that I get is a quiet, impatient moan of displeasure at me stopping. Smiling, I continue my work. I slide his pants right off, and I can finally see the results my efforts had produced. His erection was clearly visible from the beneath his underwear. I wrapped a hand around his member and brought my mouth down. I gave it a quick lick. It was met with another whimper.
I lick it again and again. With each repetition, he begins to say my name, louder and louder. Finally, I give one hot breath against the tip, and I then proceed to pull his boxers the rest of the way off.
Tail, you don’t want to make them cum before they’re out of their clothes. Just common sense, really.
I look back up at him. He’s obviously trying to look at me, but his eyes are half rolled back in his head. He’s in a state of pure ecstasy. Smiling up at him, just in case he could see me, I started to stroke his penis. Gently at first, I then squeezed a little harder against it, and with each stroke, I could feel him getting closer.
“Tails… Oh, God… Don’t stop. Don’t ever stop!” Sonic bucked his hips against my hand, and then let out a gasp of pleasure. I knew he was going to cum soon. I gently licked the head of his penis, my tongue going around in small circles. Eventually, I decided that I’d had enough teasing, and I inserted the whole organ into my mouth.
Sonic cried out in pleasure at the sensation. He couldn’t take it anymore; his hips gave a series of involuntary jerks as he came. I felt his cum spill into my mouth; it was one of the best feelings I’ve ever experienced. It was salty and warm.
Not five-hundred words before he came in the story of three-thousand-two-hundred forty words. PRIORITIES PEOPLE
After a few moments, Sonic had finally regained his breath. “Tails… that was…” Sonic was apparently regaining his ability for thinking. I couldn’t have that; not yet, at least.
“What do you mean, was?” I said seductively. “I’m not even half done yet!”
Before he could respond, I wiped a little of the cum from his penis onto my finger, and I gently inserted it into his ass. He hissed slightly at the foreign intrusion, but did not object. I gradually moved my finger in and out, trying to get him used to the feeling. After a few minutes, I decided to add another finger. Once again, I heard that moan that meant the hedgehog was completely absorbed.
Huh. You earned that frightened GIF, story. I didn’t think you had it in you. Though, I suppose Sonic just had it in him. Also, WHAT IN THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN “ABSORBED” WHAT ABSORBED HIM THE FUCK AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I then wiped the remainder of Sonic’s semen on my own hard member. I looked up at him, once again asking for permission. He didn’t even respond; he just looked at me, begging with his eyes. So I got back into the straddling position, pecked Sonic on the lips, and began my work.
He moaned, and he moaned loudly. I stopped for a moment to let him get used to the feeling. Then I started back up again. I created a sort of method to it. In, out, in out. Then, I thrust deeper than I had before. I hit Sonic squarely in the prostate.
Three things. First, don’t try to imagine the position they must be in. Second, is anyone else genuinly shocked Tails is fucking Sonic, not the other way around? Thirdly, AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH WHY AM I THINKING I AM UNCLEAN UNCLEAAAAAAAAAAN
“TAILS!” He screamed in pleasure. I smiled and repeated my thrust. He yelled my name again, even louder than before. I repeated the thrust again, and again. I wanted to see how loud he would scream my name.
But I never really got the chance. At around my fifth thrust, I could feel myself coming. I then did one final motion, digging in deeper than I ever had before, and I ground my penis hard against his prostate.
What is it with premature ejaculations in this story?
“TAILS! OH GOD, TAILS!”
I met my release then; warm semen flooded my new lover as I yelled his name in response. What I did was apparently enough to send him over the edge, too. I felt the muscles of his ass contract all at once, and he cried out loudly as he came again; his own essence spilling out all over his chest.
I stay in him for a while, as he seems reluctant to let me pull out.
Oh, look. Finally something accurate about anal sex. That is quite an accomplishment.
“Tails…” He eventually mumbles. I pull out slowly and then look into his emerald eyes.
“Thank you.” The cobalt wonder brings his hand up to caress my face, and I make no objection. “Thank you.” He whispers the last words, before he gently rests his head against the arm of the sofa and falls into a deep sleep.
After a few minutes of watching him sleep, I try to get up. As I untangle myself from my current straddling position, I hear him mumble something. It sounds like my name. Instantly, it becomes apparent to me that he wants me to stay. So I gently lay myself down, snuggling against him; burying my face in his chest fur.
“Sonic…” I think to myself as I fall off to sleep as well. “Thank you too.”
Ugh. Remind me to burn all my copies of Sonic games later. Right now, I need to go vandalise my nearest Gamestops Wii section. Then drink. Drink until I no longer feel the right side of my brain. Then drink some more.