For this installment, we examine a movie never covered by Joel or Mike, but is still terrible nonetheless. Oddly enough it’s a member of the Criterion Collection. Gods alone know why.
This movie opens promisingly enough with Adam West (of Batman Fame, and if you didn’t already know that, you need to hand in your Nerd Card now) though sadly he’s not the main character. It’s some other guy who is remarkably forgettable despite the fact that he has 90% of the screen time.
Now keep in mind that the trailer for this film claims it’s SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE (seriously watch that trailer). So we open with ADAM WEST of BATMAN FAME (if I have to link to him you’ve failed as a nerd, please go die now) doing SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE things in his spacecraft with a monkey. Not an ape, I know the difference. He’s the leader of a gravity probe (which NASA did of the moon – see the GRAIL mission, no monkeys or people required – remember SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE MOVIE – you watched that trailer over at Criterion, right?). These guys who can navigate to Mars in space ships, right? then totally miss the ORBITING DEATH METEOR and basically run into it. Remember, SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE movie and they can travel to Mars and miss orbiting death.
The Orbiting Death nearly misses the totally manned with men and monkey spaceship, so they have to bail out. You’d think you’d be following the adventures of ADAM FUCKING WEST but no, you get Genericman.
Genericman crashes on Mars, discovers he can’t breathe (by opening his helmet) and then proceeds to OPEN HIS FUCKING HELMET AT EVERY OPPORTUNITY so that he can breathe one breath from his tank and a billion from MARS’ POISON ATMOSPHERE.
You’ll pray he dies, but you’ll be disappointed. He finds the monkey and ADAM WEST’S FUCKING CORPSE and somehow ekes out an existence on Mars (where he can’t breathe or eat).
Among the first things he encounters on SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE MARS are semi-animate balls of fire that dog him relentlessly, so the what’s the first obstacle he overcomes? Making Fucking Fire. Which does what? Burns Oxygen because SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE!
But no, it turns out that the rocks he burns makes oxygen and he can breathe. Because the rocks carry their own oxygen, like rocket fuel. SCIENTIFICALLY ACCURATE! SHUT UP!
Luckily, this movie is free of the casual sexism of its time, and substitutes that with casual racism. Genericman eventually discovers “Friday” (those of you kids in our audience who are not familiar with Robinson Caruso are excused – think Imperial England, and all is well. If that escapes you, then fuck off you uneducated little shits. Get Off My Lawn.)
Friday helps Genericman survive with “oxygen pills” (SCIENCE!!!!) and eventually engineer an escape.
This film is light on dialog, so if you’re planning on MTSing it, focus on background music references to Dune, and seeing characters from Adventure Time in the rock formations.
For your viewing pleasure the movie is linked below:
Watch Robinson Caruso On Mars