First, I wanted to do a write-up about the newest He-man figure, Karatti… except he never did anything in the cartoon. Then I wanted to write a review of Jungle Patrol Dutch Schaefer from the Predator series, or Chell from Portal 2, but my camera’s card reader just died on me, and I couldn’t get a replacement before now. So instead, let’s start a new feature! One that does not require my photography!
We live in a lucky era of video game toys. When I was a kid, there really weren’t any – or at least nothing useful. Later on, you had things like Street Fighter GI Joes, or the pseudo higher-end Final Fantasy and Mortal Kombat stuff, or even McFarlane’s Metal Gear Solid toys, but… well, nothing really comprehensive. Nowadays, you can go into Toys R Us and buy Mario. Samur Aran has several expensive Metroid figures. Mortal Kombat is randomly dumping figures in like three different scales. And NECA seems to be on a mission to make toys from Every Video Game Ever.
But you know, we could still do with more. We could always do with more. And here’s some older stuff that I feel has been neglected – perhaps fairly, perhaps unfairly, but… hey. I’d like to see these toys. And who knows, maybe you would, too.
10. Double Dragon
For many of us, Double Dragon was our first beat ’em up. For some of us, Abobo is a creature of darkness, stalking us in our nightmares… ANYWAY… this Fist of the North Star-esque game series has never gotten a single toy (I do not count the cartoon figures. Those are blasphemy), and it’s high time that it got some. Sure, a lot of the characters might seem generic (like Williams), but who could resist a big plastic Abobo, staring at them from the shelf, waiting? Just… waiting…
9. Killer Instinct
I admit, as a kid I was once fooled into thinking that Killer Instinct had toys, becnause there was a Dragon Flyz figure named “Riptor.” I WAS DISAPPOINTED. STILL AM. Killer Instinct could make a great little retro-line (wow, it’s retro now? I feel old.), with fan favorites like FUlgore or Glacius or Eyedol rounding it out. or they could just make a version of Orchid with non-deformed breasts, same diff.
8. Mace: The Dark Age
In this little-known medieval fighter, one of the Hell Knight’s pre-fight quotes is, “I would make a great plastic toy.” Yes, he would. But we would also love the giant dragon Asmodeus, the stony Grendel, or hey – the gigantic steam-powered dwarf mech! Seriously, I’d drop money for that mech.
“What’s this,” you say? “Castlevania already had toys,” you say? Well yeah, sure, but it was a pretty limited line – Simon, Alucard, Dracula, Succubus. I want Shanoa! I want Death! I want MONSTERS! Unless we get Slogra and Gaibon right now, it just ain’t a Castlevania line. Give me osme of the stranger things that these games ar eknown for, and then maybe we’ll talk.
6. Final Fight
Take everything I said about Double Dragon, but add more Mike Haggar. And Andore. And ROlento, Damnd, Guy, Sodom… it’s kind of weird how these games haven’t been merchandised yet. Despite not really having a game in forever, people KNOW Final Fight. People WANT FInal Fight. And the least they could do is give us a Mike Haggar, preferably with the ability to piledrive anybody.
5. Guilty Gear
Faust. I want Faust. That is all. Sure, Slayer, Justice, Sol, Potemkin, and whomever else would be awesome, but I just want my baghead. GIVE ME FAUST, OR I WILL EAT A KITTEN (I will not really eat a kitten).
4. The King of Fighters
This is an utter travesty. With a cast roughly ten times thesize of Street Fighter, KOF has been asking, nay, pleading for toys – and getting nothing. Please, somebody, license out SNK’s stuff… but make more than just Kio, Iori, and Mai, okay? I want Rugal! Goenitz! Zero! King! Terry! Choi! I want FUN!
3. Shin Megami Tensei
So, with the demoniest series of demony video games ever, I’m thinking of mini figures – make it like Pokemon for adults. And, uh, I mean adults… but really. There’s a lot of untapped potential in the monsters in this series.\, and since most of them come from mythology, they’re educational, too!
It seems like every time we turn around, NECA is releasing something new from Alien or Predator. So why not their most famous ripoff? Contra would provide you with burly marines, slavering aliens, crazy robots, and complete, testosterone-filled insanity! I for one would not rest until I got my Giant Heart playset.
And here we are, the big one. Doom. It’s electrified computer monitors for how many years now, and we don’t even have a rubber bouncy Cacodemon to show for it? INEXCUSABLE. I DEMAND MY BOUNCY CACODEMONS NOW.