Welcome to another Weekly Time Waster! My name is Scott or Canadian Scott if you prefer and my area of nerd love comes from watching movies. I love them all; sometimes the worse a movie is, the more I love it. This weekly column is going to be bringing you some of the new release movies from the week relevant to us in the nerd world. I won’t be giving you spoilers but instead you’ll get to see some trailers and my thoughts on the movie. Enjoy and feel free to let me know of any others you think I missed.
It looks like the movie gods have decided to release a great number of fantastic movies on us this week. I think we pretty much get every aspect of what qualifies as a weekly time waster here, cheaply made student film with “edgy” material, strippers fighting a serial killer, creative imagining of beloved childhood characters and finally a couple that kills together stays together.
Abducted: Kidnapped and Brutalized
You know when you have a 1:20 video and the first 20 seconds is about your production company then you know you’re going to have a bad time. So a man is kidnapped on what appears to be his wedding day. He is then taken the alley way behind the movie studio where he is “brutalized”?!? If you mean act in this movie then I think you’re correct. Maybe it’s because I’m older but I remember when brutalized meant severe injuries, acts of debauchery and other unspeakable things but standing around and shouting about stuff is not what I would call particularly brutal. I would like to see what critic watched this and thought “nerve shredding” as the best descriptor of the movie.
Jersey Shore Lingerie Party Massacre
Wow…words I don’t think can do this movie any justice but let me give it a shot. So a group of strippers (which I don’t mean to get all sexist here but other than having them dress like sluts, I doubt these girls would realistically be strippers) are hunted down and killed by a latex fetished man in a house on the Jersey Shore. A lot of this movie seems filmed through the bottom of a glass filled with water which explains the weird camera jiggle and bizarre outline of a rainbow. Truly, this is some joke on humanity because there is no way a legit company would ever make something like this. Expect bad acting, horrible effects, bad lighting and bad sound. The worst part of it all, it looks like this is played straight-laced and not in a tongue in cheek way which is disturbing to me.
Axe Giant: Wrath of Paul Bunyan
Okay…10 seconds in and a creature grabs a brown bear and snaps its neck. Already my goofy meter is broken, now what will I do to figure out if this movie is legit or not? Wait a minute…who is the second guy in flannel trying to chop people up? Did Paul Bunyan have a kid I didn’t know about? And the trailer ends at 1:47 with a minute of posters for the movie. I will give these makers of the movie credit, they didn’t cheap out and not show the creature but instead show us all of the CGI glory your eye holes can take. I will also give them credit for including his faithful companion Blue the Ox. This movie looks like quite the site to behold and without any research into the cast, does anyone else think the white bearded guy is Martin Sheen?
No one will know
A lady comes home thinking no one is home to find out, someone is inside the house! What to do? Leave and call police? Shout out to the perpetrator? Nope, I’ll grab my shotgun and storm in on my husband with the maid (or whomever not important really). The husband being the brave man decides to use actions instead of words to calm his wife who then shoots the lover during the struggle for the gun. Now what to do? Hide the body in the floor of your house then host the radical party ever! I’m no scientist but I would think that body is going to stink up the place pretty quick but when you’re too busy deciding to kill all your friends instead of just telling everyone to leave and then hide the body, logic can take a back seat.
That’s all for this week folks! Take the time to look up some of the selections this week and be sure to let me know what you thought. Don’t forget to hit the comments and let me know if I missed something or if there is a movie out there you think I should check out. Also, make sure you check out some of my friends on Nerditis and I’ll see you next week! And make sure you keep your eyes open for the next Tales from the Northside!