Today I thought I’d start with a little talk about FFF submissions. First of all, I need ’em. Second of all, only a few of them work for FFF — so here’s a few thought on the kind of stories I’m looking for.
• Size. It can’t be too long, and it can’t be too short. Massive epics like “Cupcakes” and” Agony in Pink” are right out. FFF stories should be between 1,000 and 4,000 words, although 2-3,000 is really the sweet spot. Shorter than that you feel gypped, longer than that and it’s too much work and I contemplate killing myself before I’m even finished.
• It should be of reasonably well-known characters. That means not people who had two minutes of screen time in Kingdom Hearts II. But any title characters — even for obscure shit, like Tutenstein — is okay, but the better known the better. Use your own judgment — just know it’s more entertaining when Buffy the Vampire Slayer suddenly sprouts a penis than some nth-tier female character on Supernatural.
• It needs to be especially fucked up. What do I mean? I mean, 95% of all erotic fan fiction is about two non-homosexual characters having homosexual sex. That’s just the standard. FFF needs to feature something significantly weird or different or poorly written or something, because I can make awful funny (insert joke about me never being funny here) but I can’t fix boring.
• It should probably not be crack fic, written purely to freak people out. It’s like MST3K featuring a movie that was intentionally made to be bad — it just doesn’t work.
So please, with that in mind, I will take all the suggestions I can get. Email ’em to me at TheUnFunnyComedianAlexanderD@gmail.com, if and when you please.
Next, I know I missed, like, a month of FFF. My schedule has been hectic but that should be fixed. I make no promises, but you should have one every week from here on out.
Now, on with the continuation of the three-part epic.
Royal Rumble Match – Part Three
Wade’s palm grabbed Gail’s arm, and jerked her back. She was shocked at the audacity of Wade to do such a thing, and to be such a sore loser. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Hit the bricks, chump! You’ve been eliminated.”
“And so will you.” The speed Wade’s hand possessed when it travelled from her arm all the way down was impeccable. Gail wasn’t preparing for an assault from the Brit, but that was what she was about to get, as his fingers would soon penetrate her pussy.
“Get off! Somebody! Get this man off of me!” The woman would yell, although none would help her. She was forced to endure his brute force, as he nimbly used his large digits to fuck her cunt.
Wade would do everything he could to Gail’s pussy. He rubbed her folds, he penetrated past her folds with a brilliant blend of speed and strength, and he frequently hit her g-spot.
Gail’s legs were spreading not because shewanted them to, but because the pleasure that the TNA Knockout was receiving was just too great for her to ignore. Soon she would soon feel the same feeling that Wade felt, when he climaxed. The Brit’s fingers became too much for Gail, evident when she climaxed all over his powerful digits. She screamed. This must have been a conspiracy. She would not let the WWE forget about this blatant rig.
Can you really rig an orgasm?
Elimination #21 – Gail Kim
Twenty nine competitors had already been revealed in the Royal Rumble. Now there was only one who had yet to be revealed, but that would soon change. As the countdown appeared on the titantron, the audience had a pretty good idea of who the final entry would be. It was when the countdown got to zero, that their idea would either get confirmed or disconfirmed.
Considering WWE’s writing anymore, we both know it’s exactly who the crowd thinks.
Participant #30 – Ryback
Feed. Me. More. Those were three words that all the men had in mind when they thought of Ryback. Their cocks grew almost immediately after seeing the muscular man. The men in the ring certainly wanted to feed Ryback. That was for sure.
Ryback ran to the ring quicker than anybody could imagine. For a powerhouse, he had a surprising amount of agility. It made everybody wonder just how agile he would be, when pounding some ass.
As soon as he got inside in the ring, three men who occupied it quickly gathered around the muscular wrestler. Sheamus, Miz and Damien Sandow all made sure that their hard cocks dangled in the face of Ryback. They all competed with each other. They all wanted Ryback to suck their cocks first.
Ryback wanted to garner as many eliminations as possible. He wanted as many climaxes as he could possible. Looking at the cocks around him, he checked to see which throbbed the most. That was Damien, as his manhood wildly pulsated. Just for that, the monster of a man would eventually engulf the intellectual’s tool. As a consolation prize, Ryback’s hands would jerk up and down the lengths of Miz and Sheamus.
The smugness of Sandow remained as strong as ever, even with how much his dick pulsated. His ego was dearly stroked due to the fact that Ryback would choose him over the other two. “How refreshing to see that you have common sense, and to choose a phallus as well-endowed as mine.”
Miz and Sheamus didn’t like what they were hearing. Damien was getting his blowjob. He should have just stayed silent whilst receiving it. Nobody liked a sore winner. Although Sheamus felt more reserved than usual at this point in time, Miz would be the man to stand up to Damien. He didn’t like getting anything rubbed in his face. “Shut up Damien. Ryback only chose you because you’re about to cum.”
Mike’s words were true, as much as Damien hated to admit it. The throbbing of his manhood would soon die down, because his essence couldn’t be refrained from escaping his piss-slit for much longer. It needed to be freed. Even with all the cum that filled his hole, Ryback had no trouble in swallowing down all that was given to him. Damien was downright astonished. He was rendered speechless.
So am I, but probably for very different reasons.
Elimination #22 – Damien Sandow
“Told you.” Miz said, with an expression that was just as smug as Damien’s. The latter simply huffed, before storming to the backstage area. Cody would surely console Damien on this tragic outcome. “What a loser.” Miz would snicker. Once Damien was eliminated, Ryback was left with only two hard cocks. One throbbed, and one didn’t. The one that throbbed was one that Ryback would take into his mouth. He had one man cum already, and he was determined to add another man to that.
I have to question the rules of such a competition. I mean, can you use objects? Just shove a metal pipe up someone’s ass? What’s illegal? Obviously everything above the belt.
Another climax was on its way. Even though she had only spent a few minutes in the Rumble, AJ was almost ready to cum. She could already feel her wetness fall onto her beau’s eager tongue, but if he carried on with the same amount of perfection that he was showing, AJ was certain that it’d be more than just her wetness he’d be tasting.
Even though he loved her dearly, Dolph valued his WWE career more than his love life. He valued the amount of eliminations he caused more than AJ. His tongue was plunging deep inside her lips, before it would fleetingly slap against her damp folds.
“Stop Dolphie! Stop!” She, like many other an eliminated competitor in the Rumble, would plead for the pleasure to stop…but it would not. Dolph would not stop what his remorseless tongue did. It continued to fuck her rose bud, before he would receive exactly what he wanted: a face full of cum. Her juices quickly gushed onto his face, and Dolph didn’t waste a single second of lapping at those juices. They tasted just as good as they did the last time Dolph swallowed his girlfriend’s cum.
Elimination #23 – AJ Lee
Gently pushing AJ to one side, he would share one final loving glance with her. “That’s a little quick babe. You been doing it with Big E behind my back?”
“Was it that obvious, Ziggy?” She blushed slightly. Her cheeks faintly flared to a near non-recognisable shade of pink.
“Yeah. Looks like I’m gonna have to get even with you, babe.” Dolph smirked. “Get his dick nice and hard for when I win this thing.”
“As long as you do, Ziggachu.” AJ giggled, before she hopped out of the ring, and skipped her way backstage. Dolph shook his head. Another Pokemon reference? He loved his babe and all, but she evidently still needed some work on being perfection.
Ryback continued his road to dominance. He was desperately close to making another one of his prey climax inside of his oral cavern. Damien Sandow was already eliminated, and The Miz soon looked to join him. Miz’s cock throbbed wildly. The wet, velvety sensations of Ryback’s mouth had more of an effect on the reality TV star than he wished it would have.
Even though Miz was a total opportunist, he knew there was no way he would manage to survive an elimination by having his cock deep inside Ryback’s mouth. He would try to withdraw, but the influence of the man who sucked his cock was just too strong. Even if Miz desperately wanted to pull out, he couldn’t.
So, Miz just decided that if he was going to get eliminated, he was going to get eliminated in a way where he wouldn’t regret it. He would place his palms around the back of Ryback’s neck, and thrust his pulsating length in and out of the oral cavern in rapid speed. Sheamus chuckled. Even though he was given a high quality handjob, it looked to be nothing in comparison to the high quality cock-sucking Miz received. That later became evident, when Miz would let out an unnaturally dominant roar, to signify that his time in the Rumble was officially up. At least he had an awesome time.
Elimination #24 – The Miz
Chris Jericho had certainly gotten around in this monumental Rumble. He had encountered many a competitor. From alumni such as Jacqueline to a comedic figure in Santino Marella, to young, rising stars like Dolph Ziggler. They all were great encounters for the former WCW star, but now, Jericho would get blown away by his current encounter, with John Cena and Randy Orton. The amount of talent that they possessed, not just in the ring, but also in sex, was unbelievable.
The Canadian was in the middle of the very ring, getting spitroasted by Cena and Orton. Not only did they both have huge cocks, but they also knew how to use them. Cena thrusted deep in his ass, and Randy took full control of Jericho’s mouth. Jericho didn’t even need to move a damn inch. The work was getting done for him. All Chris had to do was to just moan and whine in enjoyment, as he soaked all the bliss in him.
The grunts sounded through Orton and Cena’s lips exhibited their enjoyment. Jericho still had it, even in his forties. He had two incredibly taut holes that were getting loosened by the second. Orton and Cena used all the energy they could to pound the older man as hard as they possibly could, hoping they would be rewarded in some way.
Thankfully, the reward wouldn’t take much longer to arrive. Jericho’s muffled moans soon morphed into loud cries, when he would ejaculate on the ring mat. For somebody who started out in the first two, enduring twenty three other competitors wasn’t such a bad thing.
I guess, but I’d rather have the money myself. I mean, you only get paid if you win, right? Or at least, paid more.
Elimination #25 – Chris Jericho
Once Jericho would depart for the rest of the night, John Cena and Randy Orton would once again be able to spend some time to themselves. They needed this time together, because with all the feuds they were in the middle of within these past couple of years, the two men hardly interacted with each other.
“You miss me, huh?” Cena smirked.
“Not as much as you miss me.” Orton retorted, without a smirk.
“Still the same douchebag self, huh?”
“You know you wouldn’t love me if I wasn’t a douchebag.”
Least he recognizes it. Ten steps and all that.
“Well I totally would, but you’re lucky you’re hot.” Cena said, as he inched closer towards the bronzed Adonis of a man. “And you got a big dick. Extra brownie points there, man.” Cena’s hands slowly stroked up and down Randy’s length. It throbbed slightly within the few seconds that Cena’s palms made contact with it. Randy obviously needed this more than Cena thought he did.
“You need to talk less, and suck more.” Orton said, with slight grunts of pleasure. He wanted to relive the feeling of exploring Cena’s oral cavern. It was such a long time since Orton had explored the wet, velvety oral cavern. He needed to explore it again, and relive that slice of heaven.
“Still as blunt as ever, I see, Randal.” The Massachusett smirked again, as his lips gradually engulfed each and every inch Orton’s manhood had sported. Cena did so in such a lustful manner.
“Shit.” Even though Orton held such high expectations of Cena’s mouth, he didn’t expect this amount of pleasure to come so quickly. The lewd words would swiftly start to pour out of Orton’s mouth, as Cena’s mouth rapidly worked on his length better than anybody else could. The amount of times Cena had deepthroated him within sixty seconds was just unbelievable.
Orton’s tool transitioned suddenly from throbbing slightly to throbbing wildly. There was only so many times he could feel Cena’s nose nestled between his neatly trimmed pubes. His hands went to touch the back of Cena’s neck, but his body knew it was too late. His loins stirred heavily, before he would feel his release take place. His white essence poured into Cena’s oral cavity, and Cena would love swallowing each and every droplet that barged past his pouty lips.
Elimination #26 – Randy Orton
Four guys remained. Dolph Ziggler (who amazingly lasted all the way from the beginning of the match), John Cena, Ryback and Sheamus. The audience were virtually on their feet now. One of these men would be crowned the winner of the Royal Rumble. This was a heart-pounding moment.
Four men would eventually turn into three. Dolph, being the lustful man that he was, quickly went from AJ to Ryback and Sheamus…or Ryback, specifically. Whilst it was now Sheamus’ turn to feel the same bliss of Ryback’s mouth that Miz and Damien had felt, before climaxing, Dolph went one better. He would feel the utmost amount bliss in the form of Ryback’s cock, as it powered its way in and out of Dolph’s loosened heat like a damn jackhammer.
Shrill moans left the blonde’s lips, as he could feel the bulbous head of Ryback’s dick smash his prostate. This man was a relentless piece of work. His thrusts defined the term ‘brutal’. He was remorseless with the sheer power his plunges possessed. Dolph was amazed, not just because of how amazing Ryback’s dick felt, but also because of how ruthless this man was.
“Fuck me!” The only two words Dolph would scream, as he continued to get pounded into oblivion by the final entry of the Royal Rumble. The vulgarity of those two words, the exceedingly shrill moans that left his lips and the fact that Dolph was grinding his backside like a porn starlet all showed how much he valued this encounter. He really, really valued this encounter.
What he didn’t value was the fact that his orgasm was approaching rapidly. The deeper Ryback went, the more likely it was that Dolph was about to erupt at any moment now. The probability of Dolph ejaculating kept on rising and rising, until the blonde went over the edge, as Ryback met his prostate with one final, powerful thrust. White rushed from Dolph’s manhood, and splattered all over Ryback’s abdomen. The shrill screams came to end, and now the blonde huffed his disappointment. He wanted to win; not to come in forth.
Elimination #27 – Dolph Ziggler
Three men now remained, and the audience didn’t know who was going to win. Some would assume that Ryback would be the winner, given that he was the final entry into the Rumble, but then again, nothing was ever guaranteed in the WWE. Nothing.
Except naked guys, obviously.
Cena saw that once Dolph was eliminated, there were only two men left. Both of whom looked very involved with each other. Although Cena didn’t want to disappoint the two, and snap them back into reality, he would have to. As little as Cena wanted to disappoint Sheamus and Ryback, he wanted to disappoint the fans even less by just standing about and doing nothing.
“Hey guys!” Cena smiled, as he walked over to Sheamus and Ryback, who only just began staring at him. “Mind if I join ya? I was feeling pretty lonely back there.”
“That’s fine with meh, fella.” Sheamus grinned, as an idea popped into his head almost immediately after seeing John. Although he loved Ryback’s mouth, he had a feeling he’d love John’s a lot more. It was lucky the Irishman had a lot of strength, because that was how he managed to withdraw his tool from Ryback’s clamped lips. Once Sheamus was out of Ryback’s mouth, the Irishman positioned himself so that he was laying on his back. “Sixty nine.” Two very simple words. Words that would elicit a broad grin on the face of John. He liked Sheamus’ thinking.
Straddling the face of the redhead, Cena would make sure that his manhood hovered above Sheamus’ face, and vice versa. Both men would quickly and zestfully get a taste of each other’s pre-cum and lapped at it like kittens to milk. They moaned and they whined, whilst also licking the tips of each other’s dicks. Ryback could only stare in astonishment (although his facial expressions would not show it). Here were these two strong, muscular men, orally servicing each other like submissive whores. It was a bizarre visual display, but certainly not one to be complained about.
As both men would eventually delve into fellatio territory, Ryback’s dick ached. It was rock hard and especially veiny when its owner ogled at the cock-sucking skills of Cena and Sheamus. Ryback needed more. He didn’t want more. He needed more. Upon seeing Cena’s large palms spread the milky legs of the Irishman, Ryback found his perfect opportunity.
Without any warning, the monstrous man would ram his gigantic length into the baby pink pucker of Sheamus. As expected, Sheamus would let out a gasp of shock and pain. He did not expect Ryback to enter his hole so suddenly, and he did not expect for Cena to deepthroat him when he did. Bliss was an understatement for Sheamus, as he managed to feel more than that with the combined oral assault from Cena, and the anal assault from Ryback.
Both men reduced the wait for the Irishman’s climax dramatically. Sheamus’ orgasm approached rapidly. It went at a speed so quick, he didn’t even have the time to warn both men. His load just filled Cena’s mouth. His white essence would remain trapped inside Cena’s oral cavity, as Cena had a plan.
Elimination #28 – Sheamus
THE LUCK OF THE IRISH
Cena opened his mouth, showing the cum that filled his mouth to Ryback. After spending a long duration of time inside the porcelain derriere of the most recently eliminated Superstar, Ryback eventually saw it. He pulled out of the redhead’s hole, and now it was Cena’s turn to capitalise on a golden opportunity. The throbbing tool of the beastly Ryback would soon get sucked into Cena’s mouth.
The beast moaned. Feeling his cock inside an oral cavern that still had some of Sheamus’ semen left was kinky. It felt so dirty, but then it felt so right. It made Ryback’s loins stir in so many ways. In what looked to be a fairly obvious victory (considering how Cena wasn’t receiving any sexual pleasure), the whorish bobs of the CeNation Leader would ensure just that: an obvious victory. Once he would deepthroat the gigantic length, Ryback couldn’t hold it in anymore. Soon, his cum would meet with Sheamus’, and fill Cena’s oral cavity completely to the brim. The Royal Rumble was now as good as done. Officially.
Elimination #29 – Ryback
And, it’s over. Except for an epilogue, because fuck me, that’s why.
The pyro had set off. The audience gave a standing ovation. The commentators gave their approval. The competitors who still weren’t bitter from their elimination came out to the ramp to applaud Cena for a well-deserved victory. This was exactly what Cena wanted to hear. He would have soaked in this moment forever, if he could. It was a shame, because he couldn’t. Cena would only have a few remaining moments left, before the Rumble would reach the end of its televised time slot. Although the Rumble may have been over, Cena still wasn’t. He wanted to have one more moment to give the audience their money’s worth. But first, he looked down at Ryback, with a respectful smile. Ryback deserved it, because he was such a force in the Rumble.
“You did good man.” Cena smiled. “You did good.” He extended his hand out, in a gesture of good will. Ryback eventually accepted the gesture, and shook Cena’s hand…although he did not smile.
“Congrats.” Ryback would eventually say, once the handshake would finish. He really was a man of few words. Cena had to stifle a chuckle at the reaction (or lack of reaction) that Ryback gave. The two muscular men eventually moved away from each other. Ryback went off to the backstage area, whilst Cena went to the barricade, only to hop over it. He was actually offering himself to the legions of lustful fans in the audience, and they quite literally jumped at the chance. It was certainly one hell of a way to end the Royal Rumble…and the PPV Chronicles.
Yes, we’ll be going back to one-shots next week. This was just too good not to run. Now, fuck off, I need booze.