SummerSlam Recap & Review

Summerslam poster.

So, with SummerSlam last night, I felt like those of you who didn’t order it should know what happened. So here’s my recap. Well, more my reaction.

  • We open with The Miz who introduces the main events, then gets interrupted by Fandango who dances him off stage.
  • Next is a cheesy Hollywood movie style parody opening, followed by a dorritos ad. Yay!
  • They also feel the need to name SummerSlam twice.
  • Unnecessary Spanish announce team.
  • Did they change Kanes mask again?
  • I have to ask what a ring of fire match is.
  • AH! FURRY!
  • I actually like the Wyatt family gimmick.
  • Those flames are really pathetic. Remember the 90’s inferno matches? Anyone?
  • Some of the most boring wrestling I’ve ever seen by Kane.
  • Jesus, back in the Attitude era, they would have tossed that Kendo stick in the ring and used it anyway, on fire or not.
  • Blech!
  • Why is there an HBK sign being held up in the background?
  • What have they done to Kane? Kane should have been able to kick the shit out of all three of these guys, AND kick out of that pin.
  • Wait, is that Festus?
  • Am I honestly to believe that that actually hit him? And only once?
  • Oh, and a WWW 2k14 ad. Great. This game looks worse everytime I see it.
  • You have Vikky Guererro standing with Booker T and HBK? What a waste.
  • I love how both Booker and HBK are laughing at the atrocious dialogue. Even they admit the script is awful.
  • Paul Heyman and Brock Lesnar are being wasted more than most.
  • Is Paul Heyman wearing Lip-Gloss?
  • HEY, HEY, HEY! Don’t insult Batman and Robin.
  • Ooh, sassy!
  • Wait, when did Cody turn Face? AND HE SHAVED?!
  • Is it just me, or do the trunks get skimpier and skimpier? Strange for a childrens show.
  • You know what I like about Cody? He shows actual wrestling talent. Not Pro-Wrestling, but real wrestling.
  • Strange how little of a deal they made over Cody shaving, considering the reaction to his pedo-stache debut.
  • Why are all their themes shitty pop songs? Remember when Smackdown opened to Manson every week? What happened to that?
  • Now their showing some Christian tribute. Why?
  • And Christian is Face again? He was better off in TNA.
  • Yay, Christian vs. Del Rio. Again. Le sigh.
  • Wait, not wanting to go through a long match is “aggressive” now? Since when?
  • “Rules are like BONES, they’re meant to be broken.” Fixed it for you.
  • This is boring as shit.
  • Why does Christian have a constant “O” face on? Did someone blow him backstage?
  • “WWE U.S. Championship”, “WWE Hall of Fame”, are they afraid TNA will sue them?
  • More Dorritos ads.
  • Why are the announcers always so excited?
  • I guess they dropped the “WWE Universe” gimmick, since they haven’t said it once, and even refered to the audience as “WWE Fans”.
  • An hour in and the lack of the pedostache is the most shocking thing to happen.
  • The armbreaker does not look painful at all.
  • Who’s the chick in the annoying pink jacket?
  • Oh. A National Guard ad. Lovely.
  • Why are none of these announcers even mentioning the 2k part of 2k14?
  • More Fandango dancing. Yay. It’s so funny.
  • Is that a drag queen?
  • You know, that might be a good gimmick. WWE, you can have that one for free.
  • WHY CAN NONE OF THESE WOMEN ACT?!
  • I feel like I might as well just be watching lesbian porn right now. Shitty lesbian porn, at that.
  • Did they just call those black chicks “Funk-a-Dactles”?
  • Jesus, did she just get kicked in her tits? That sounds incredibly unpleasant.
  • AND ANOTHER DORRITOS AD. FOR FUCK SAKE. WE GOT IT. BUY DORRITOS.
  • Is this Goldberg? What’s that? “Ryback”? Okay then.
  • That dude is not getting paid enough for that.
  • CM Punk with that particular facial hair does not work.
  • Is it strange that Lesnar looks like he’s taken MORE roids since 2003?
  • Did Lesnar just grope his junk?
  • Punk is so overrated.
  • When are they going to bring in Sting for the Sting vs. Undertaker match that we all want?
  • Lesnar looks more fat than muscle.
  • “OH MY GOD!” Meh.
  • That didn’t look painful.
  • Heyman, stop yelling. It’s very fake. We know it’s fake. It takes us out of it.
  • GIMMIE A HUG!
  • Biting a giant, sweaty roid monkey sounds incredibly unpleasant.
  • That hand hit the mat. FAIL.
  • None of these holds look painful.
  • Remember when blood poured a plenty? THIS IS NOT AN IMPROVEMENT.
  • Would low blowing a guy who did roids for twenty years even have an effect?
  • It just drags on, and on, and on. And on. And on. And ooooooooonnn. Gah!
  • HAhahahaha! Heyman slapping Punks knee screaming “Let go!” was pretty funny.
  • FINALY!
  • AND NOW TEN MINUTES OF PUNK CHEERING! GODDAMNIT!
  • Some fan gets Henry-Splashed. NOT IN THAT WAY!
  • And Dolph Ziggler is a Face two?
  • Who’s the big black guy?
  • Who’s the blonde chick?
  • The FanFiction pretty much writes itself at this point.
  • That dude has bigger tits than a AJ.
  • And another WWE 2k14 ad. Hooray for self promotion.
  • AND MORE FANDANGO DANCING. At least he gets laid out by the Miz.
  • What is with HBK’s beard? Is he a hobo now?
  • RVD?! When did he go back to WWE?
  • I thought HHH retired.
  • I miss Triple H’s long hair.
  • I find it hard to take Daniel Bryan seriously.
  • Did Cena finally take the Heal turn? ‘Bout time.
  • When did they get rid of they spinner belt? I don’t like the new one.
  • I like the parody they’re going for of real wrestling. It brings lite heartedness to the contrast between WWE and Wrestling.
  • “Flying goat”. Shit. I owe a lot of people a hundred bucks.
  • This is almost entertaining.
  • “Spider Monkey”?
  • “AA”, Attitude Adjustment”? Was “FU” not PG enough?
  • Did Triple H just slap Daniel Bryan?
  • Did Cena just smack Bryan’s ass?
  • BITCH FIGHT!
  • Huh. Did WWE just, officially, stop sucking Cena’s dick?
  • And Cena’s a Face again. Yay.
  • Oh. Orton. Because he hasn’t been WWE champ a million times before.
  • Nevermind.
  • HHH just turned heel. Evolution reunion?
  • Does this mean Flair and Batista are coming back? Because that should happen.
  • That was the cheapest “Fuck you, internet!” ever.

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