You know what? I don’t even have an excuse this time. I just woke up every Friday, looked at my computer, and said “No, fuck it. I’ll just end up drunk, crying in the corner, and wishing I had more Scotch. No one reads these anyway.” I then watched Doctor Who, Queer as Folk, and played Saints Row IV for a few weeks.
But after receiving this story from colettelemans (with no determinable author), I had to act. I mean, it’s a story about elements fucking each other. Sure, it’s rather short. BUT IT’S A STORY ABOUT LITERAL METALS FUCKING EACH OTHER. I have to, for the sake of honor.
Lithium woke up today, as the violent and terribly reactive alkali metal he was. He knew he had to control his angry nature, but nothing pissed him off as much as seeing a water molecule. Such immorality, to see an oxygen being double penetrated in a lesbian orgy by two brash hydrogens. Intercourse belonged between a metal and a nonmetal, he thought.
Lots of homophobia in the periodic tableeeeeeeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
WHAT HAS THIS STORY MADE ME TYPE?! IT’S GOING TO RUIN SCIENCE, THE ONE THING I HOLD NEAR AND DEAR TO MY TINY, DEAD HEART.
Lithium checked to see if his electrons were in order, glaring at his lone 2s valence shell. He had always wanted to get rid of that single bothersome particle, and it irritated him to no end. He packed his bag and walked out of his apartment.
I have no idea what any of this means.
As he was walking he saw various other metals and said hi to them. There were good metals like gold and silver. For their fine behavior they were rewarded and highly valued, they had work ethics that were better even than his. Unfortunately they couldn’t put up a fight and this led to a lot of rougher metals like sodium and even normal ones like zinc to easily push them around and kick them out of places.
So, does this mean that Gold and Silver walk around with giant glasses, a pocket protector, and talk with a really high pitch, annoying voice?
Suddenly he saw fluorine and he was instantly smitten. Fluorine was the sexiest element since oxygen, certainly very attractive. Unfortunately she was also a very slutty element, since she constantly begged for electrons and practically all the other alkalis and even some of the alkali earths had done it with her. Even hydrogen, that confused bastard.
What? What is Hydrogen confused about? What does any of this even mean?
Lithium knew it was wrong, especially knowing how fluorine was, but she was violent and reactive just like him. He immediately paced over to her.
“He then proceded to nicely and kindly ask her to dinner that night, and brought her home for some coffee after words.”
He then grabbed her and inserted his electron into her 2p shell. She moaned in pleasure and released a massive 3.4011895 electron-volts of energy in excitement as she climaxed.
Nevermind. Sigh. Also,
“You know what fluorine? I think chlorine can do a better job. You claim to be the most attractive nonmetal and yet she had you beat by a whole .2115345 electron volts when she orgasms.”
Fluorine immediately frowned.
“I can do better than that! Just watch.”
She tore off the electron from lithium as they finished the ionic bonding, and she called her friends, five fluorines and a platinum atom.
I assume that this means she tore Lithiums dick off. Which means,
“Guys, I have an idea. Let’s impress lithium and prove to him why I’m better than chlorine.”
The platinum hexafluoride gang then headed towards an unwitting xenon monoatomic molecule.
“Hey Xenon! You prude, don’t be so electronegative!”
WHAT DOES ANY OF THIS EVEN MEAN?!
Xenon crossed his arms.
“I don’t need bonding to complete my life! I already have a full octet on my fifth level! It’s not like you can give or take an electron from me!”
“Oh would you like us to try?” the fluorine asked.
They then pinned down the xenon as he struggled against them. All seven attackers pulled on xenon’s electrons, until they finally pulled one free and xenon became very red as he realized that he became xenon hexafluoroplatinate.
Fluorine mocked him.
“Oh shit I guess the noble gases aren’t so tough after all. I guess I’ll go call up my friend hydrogen and then we can go try and rape an argon or something.”
Suddenly a carbon entered the scene.
“Not so fast there fluorine. You might claim to be the sexiest non-metal, but can you handle quadruple-penetration? Have you seen my orgies? Just go visit organic chemistry and look at all the fun!”
The carbon then ran off to join a benzene ring, a wild resonating mess that gave everyone cancer.
And that, my friends, is how you end a fucking story.