Welcome to another Weekly Time Waster! My name is Scott or Canadian Scott if you prefer and my area of nerd love comes from watching movies. I love them all; sometimes the worse a movie is, the more I love it. This weekly column is going to be bringing you some of the new release movies from the week relevant to us in the nerd world. I won’t be giving you spoilers but instead you’ll get to see some trailers and my thoughts on the movie. Enjoy and feel free to let me know of any others you think I missed.
We have hit 40 Weekly Time Wasters! First, thank you for reading and following me as I bring you some of the worst and worst of new releases and I look forward to keeping this column going. On the mainstream front the biggest is probably Pacific Rim which has all your monsters vs. robots fighting goodness you can handle (I have yet to see it). What we have this week is a wide variety of bad sometimes done so ironically as a joke and some that are done but with no joke intended. First we ask what does Michonne do when The Walking Dead is not filming thus giving me a chance to increase traffic by using my Walking Dead tag, then we ask what does Slender Man do when he is not on the internet, thirdly we ask was Grindhouse a good thing for the movie industry and we wrap up with a movie that is not recent, is absolutely horrible but is released as a VHS this week.
Stop me if you have heard this one, a red leprechaun and a Cyclops try to steal souls of lingerie models…you have never heard that before? Anyway, a leprechaun is out to steal the souls of five lingerie models but require some protecting from Michonne of The Walking Dead (you don’t recognize her without the dreads). The problem with watching something like this, you can’t tell if the bad acting, bad script writing and horrible effects are played up for ironic purposes or if they tried to get something serious off the ground but time and money were not on their side. Full Moon Pictures is releasing this thing and they are known to play the horror, so bad its good card. This kind of horror is probably best seen with a few drinks or other illegal substances in you.
Seven years ago a girl went missing and neither she nor her kidnapper was ever found, until tonight. Cut to two homeless girls (I’m being told these are the main characters and not random homeless girls) talking about the missing girl…seriously, make up people could work for free or even just get the girls to make up themselves. Judging by the quick cuts, it looks as though Slender Man has made an appearance as the kidnapper. If it isn’t him well someone better get his lawyer on the phone because it looks awfully close. Another two quick points, first, please don’t make us believe those obvious fake nails being ripped off are actually real to the actress and two, what is the reason for the girl stripping to her underwear in the trailer? This looks like a movie that tries to be serious but there will be just a ton of plot holes, bad acting and lame effects.
When Grindhouse came out a few years ago, I gladly watched it in the theatre (Death Proof > Planet Terror) and even the trailers in between (Thanksgiving > then Machete and Hobo with a Shotgun). There was something to see the scratchy lines on the film, the over the top acting and gore and stories that would make your head spin. At the time, I just knew that if this was successful, people would jump on board the craze and just drive this thing into the ground and spoil things for us that enjoy the genre. I have a feeling we have this here. I like the scratchy film, the lame acting and dialogue and even the great voice over work in the trailer. I think the grindhouse genre has been ruined but certainly not from this movie, it probably is a contributing factor but there are other ones out there that have done worse.
The Bloody Ape (Trailer NSFW)
The fact that I cannot find the trailer on Youtube is probably a bad sign but when I was looking around for movies to bring you, this one was being released as a DVD/VHS combo. Yes, you heard me, VHS!! The fact it is being released on VHS makes this an automatic win regardless of what the content of the movie is. Based on the trailer, a man in a gorilla suit (but we’re probably led to believe is “real”) goes on a rampage and kills everyone including a very naked woman in the shower. A quick viewing on IMDB tells us that I’m not far off. Then you look at the cast list and see “Lady who gets car stolen by ape” and you have me. Please stream soon because I must watch this…
That’s all for this week folks! Take the time to look up some of the selections this week and be sure to let me know what you thought. Don’t forget to hit the comments and let me know if I missed something or if there is a movie out there you think I should check out. Make sure you check out some of my friends on Nerditis and my new column The Northern Dead and old favourite Tales from the Northside. I’ll see you next week! Reminder that this October 24-31 is Nerditis Halloween Week which will feature some great themed columns and articles including new movie reviews from your truly!