Hello again folks! After a break from the site and Weekly Time Waster, I have decided to come back strong in 2014 with a new focus, a new day but unfortunately the same old glorious b-movies. In case you have forgotten, my name is Scott or Canadian Scott if you prefer and my area of nerd love comes from watching movies. I love them all; sometimes the worse a movie is, the more I love it. This weekly column is going to be bringing you some of the new release movies from the week relevant to us in the nerd world. I won’t be giving you spoilers but instead you’ll get to see some trailers and my thoughts on the movie. Enjoy and feel free to let me know of any others you think I missed.
Well how should we start off the New Year? We kick off the year with two name baiting movies that are only called what they are because will think it has to do with the movies they love. We then move on to a bizarre movie that starts out with a haunted cabin but finishes with demon possession. And we finish with a found footage movie that crosses Survivorman with terror in the woods.
The Amityville Asylum
When I say to you “Amityville”, what do you think of? The great movie from the 1979 about the haunted house? The true story about the haunted house? Either way you don’t expect to watch some bizarre art house horror film about an insane asylum or watch a girl that has probably never seen a film camera before based on her wooden acting. I’m having a lot of trouble following along what the story is about but definitely the most telling part is our heroine yelling to a 13 year old, “hey! Don’t go down there!” with all the vitality and vigor of a piece of bread. Also, the dark lighting and brooding characters are a pretty big turn off here as well.
The Bates Haunting
Okay now things are just getting weird here. I am watching this movie trailer and I can literally see nothing in here that would indicate how this movie would relate to the Bates or Psycho movies. I know what you’re thinking, “But how would you know that this isn’t suppose to be about something else?” Well if you take a look at movie’s poster it clearly references the Psycho movies. A girl comes to a farm run by the horror movie cliché factory. I see crazy hillbillies, midgets, senseless sex and violence and yet not one single mention of Psycho. But I am willing to bet that one of the characters, maybe even the main girl, will have some relation to Norman Bates. I will give the writers credit though for the cool wheat thresher killing scene.
Our story opens with a man about to enter the priesthood. He is a troubled kid with no family but a crazy cabin in the woods. Well it isn’t crazy but apparently the kid is a part of some weird bloodline (see what I did there). Ancient curses and bizarre trinkets will not exactly make for an interesting movie especially considering this movie will contain what can only be described as a bizarre, poorly acted and convoluted. Also I have a lot of problems with the Twilight influences we seem to see towards the end of the trailer and maybe that is where I really hate what I see.
Have any of you seen the show Survivorman? It’s the show where a guy is dropped into the woods and other extreme places with just a couple cameras. Well here we go again from the found footage vault. In the tradition of The Blair Witch Project we see a gentleman in the woods on his own being chased by some unseen force. Is it man? Beast? Or maybe even his own…oh wait it would appear this is Bigfoot. A lot of people from high brow film festivals apparently love this movie. I don’t think this movie is necessarily going to be bad but that shaky cam, found footage worked in Blair Witch but made me nauseous in Cloverfield.
So that wraps up the first Weekly Time Waster of 2014!! I’m looking forward to the coming year and as always let me know what you thought of my picks of the week and if you’d like me to review one of these great movies in a future installment of Tales from the Northside. Be sure to check out my fellow writers on Nerditis and be on the lookout for some great articles in the coming weeks including some movie reviews and of course the return of The Walking Dead and that means The Northern Dead!!