FanFiction Friday: Six Year Anniversary, Week 3 – “Harry Potter and the Surprise Package”

Hermione smiled at her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks

Let’s continue.

Hermione was on her back, both of her pulled straight back with her feet on either side of her head to allow her lover easier access to her hairless, smooth little honey pot. Her long, curly mouse-brown hair was splayed around her head like a halo, her eyes were closed, and her mouth formed a small ‘o’. With each each thrust from her lover, her round, medium-sized breasts would roll back and then come forward again, jiggling in time. She was somewhat pear shaped, lacking the sexy hourglass curve of older women, but she made up for this with a round, squeezable ass which made a delicious slapping sound against Harry’s body each time he pounded her.

“Pear shaped”? “Hour glass”? Have you ever even seen this chick?

“Do you remember the secret I told you about? You know, the one that I’d never tell anyone else?”


“Well, I think the time’s come for you to find out what it is.”

“Is it a cake?!”

“No, Harry. The cake… is a lie.

Harry moved his hands up and down Hermione’s soft warm body, wondering what the secret could be. He paused when he felt the muscles in her abdomen tense, as though she were going to the bathroom. Then, suddenly, he felt a something swell beneath his lips, and an oily, well-lubricated penis slid noisily out of Hermione’s pink folds. The thing was pink and curved like a banana, and a bit of bubbly yellow ichor was leaking from the end. In preparation, Hermione reached towards her discarded robe and drew out her wand, quickly performing a charm to prevent any sound from escaping the secret chamber they were hiding in. It was a good thing she did, too, for Harry immediately let fly the most horrific, blood-curdling scream that Hermione had ever heard. His bright bottle-green eyes bulged and his face turned alabaster white, the now colorless lips pulling back from the teeth in a barbaric display of primal terror. He scrambled back from the Lovecraftian horror poking out of Hermione’s crotch, plastering himself against the wall in a futile attempt to escape the monstrosity that had killed his erection.


“Harry!” she said sharply, giving him the sharp, bossy look that she always did when she wanted to get a-hold of him. He stood there for a few moments with his mouth hanging open as though unhinged, but eventually Hermione’s reliable hawkish look got him under control.

“Hermione,” he said, not coming any closer but with some color returning to his face, “That’s rather a big a surprise. D’you think you could have told me about that before before we, you know, did this?”

How exactly would Hermione’s anatomy work here? Was her penis just… inside out? Was Harry fucking an inside out penis? Whatever.

“I could have told you I was a Cryptophallid,” she replied, crossing her arms over her breasts and letting her lower lip protrude slightly, “but if I had you wouldn’t have wanted to.” Her eyes appeared moist.

Cryptophallid? Isn’t that a Marylin Manson song?

Harry wasn’t particularly good at picking up on these sorts of clues, but even he could take such obvious hints.

“I… I’m sorry. I didn’t think it would hurt your feelings so bad. It’s just that that thing… It’s so…”

“It’s so big. I wondered why your vagina felt so cavernous, to be honest.”

“Shut up, Harry.”

“So what?” asked Hermione, her eyes becoming even more moist. Harry sensed that the waterworks were about to come on if he didn’t do something quick. Girls could be so fickle

“Look, if it makes you happy, I’ll still do this stuff with you. Even with that thing around.” He said. Then he swallowed. What had he just gotten himself into?

Hey, free anal! No reason to complain about that!

She sniffed. She wasn’t about to just relent and make it easy on him; no, he’d have to work for this one.

“Get on your knees.” she said, pointing at the ground. Harry groaned. He’d just made a promise, and now the bitch had him by the balls. This was going to hurt. A lot.

He sank to his knees and, with Hermione’s less-than-gentle guidance, wrapped his lips around her throbbing member. The oily stench of it was overpowering, and it seemed to secrete something much stronger than ordinary sweat. The slimy fluid was sour and semi-acidic, and the Cryptophallus itself was unnaturally rough and scaly. Harry gagged as he felt the questing dick force its way up inside of his mouth, Hermione giving him an arch smile as she forced him to deep-throat her rather impressive dick.

“That’s right,” she said softly, feeling his wet boy-lips slide up and down on her penis, “Gulp on it.”

Of course, this wasn’t all she needed. She eventually angled her hips and stuffed the wang into Harry’s cheek, fucking the inside of his mouth with reckless abandon. He sputtered and gurgled as she forced it back into his throat. The stimulation to her penis was arousing her in the same way that having her vagina licked would, and as a result she became more wet by the minute. Her vaginal fluids were being secreted in such great amounts that a bit of it actually began to drip down her leg. Cryptophallids have much thicker natural lubricant than humans, and it comes in greater amounts, so soon her vagina was leaking globules of cunt-mucus the consistency of pea soup.

Eventually, she pulled him off of it by his hair, then pushed him down.

“Get on all fours, Harry.” She said.


She merely glared at him. He complied.

Hermione first positioned her saturated vulva over Harry’s rear end, which was presently sticking up in the air. Thick goo bubbled out of her snatch and fell on Harry’s anus, sinking in. Since Cryptophallids are designed to copulated with human males in order to produce offspring, her mucus sucked inside of Harry’s asshole, naturally lubricating his colon. Harry whimpered as he felt the magical fuckjuice spread through his intestines.

“Are you ready?” said Hermione, placing a hand on Harry’s buttock. When he didn’t answer, she let the tip of her Cryptophallus poke against her partner’s tight knot, then slowly push inside. Harry gasped. The intrusion was not painful, since he was well-lubricated, and as Hermione began to slowly pump her hips against him, he even felt as though he were enjoying it.

Hermione held Harry’s waist in her hands. She squeezed his sides as she continued to fuck his asshole, watching and feeling his sphincter contract around her poking member. Feeling that she was not getting enough enjoyment, she picked up her wand and pointed it at her cock.


I’m going to start sending emails to my friends titled “Engorgio!”.

The sound-blocking charm proved useful once again as an ear-shredding scream tore out of Harry. He shrieked continuously and clawed the ground to get away from his tormentor, but it was no use; her grip was iron. Harry, for his part, continued screaming.

Hmm, Hermione seems to have broken into Harry’s deathly hollow.

There were tears streaming down his face. There was blood streaming down his thighs. There was drool streaming down his chin. Most of all, there was his pride, streaming right down the fucking drain.

How does getting fucked in the ass remove your pride? Butt sex is great.

In the red haze of his agony, though, he realized what he had to do. He grabbed his wand from the corner of the closet and recited a secret incantation Dumbledore had taught him – one that would prevent you from being coerced physically by another person.

“Pots ti Ekam Esaelp Dog Ho!”

For future reference, that actually says “Oh God Please Make it Stop!” backwards. Truly, King Splooge is a literary genius.

Hermione, however, was much better at magic than Harry, and had anticipated his trying something like this. She hadn’t expected him to know such an obscure charm, but she had a counter ready.

“Ycrem On Swonk Egoolps G’nik!

“King Splooge Knows No Mercy!”

Harry’s spell choked and died, leaving him only with the rough Cryptophallus ravaging his poor shit-factory. He howled pitifully.

I visited a shit factory once. The cheese tasted awful, and it smelled worse.

It didn’t last much longer, thankfully, but the finish was mind-bogglingly horrible; a wave of fizzing, scalding-hot Cryptosplooge burst into his anal cavity, leeching into his flesh. Waves of Cryptophallid polyps attached themselves like anemones to the lining of his intestine, busily impregnating him. Hermione pulled out before she was finished, and the scalding semen splashed all over the boy’s ass, excoriating the surface of it until he had little skin on his ass.

Oh, for fucks fucking sake.

She sighed. “Well, I guess I have to be a little bit nice to you.” She pointed her wand at his ass and uttered a few healing charms, working until his butt was more or less re-skinned.

Oh, well how kind of you Hermione.

“That was great, Harry. I’m really very sorry about using the Engorgio Charm to make myself bigger. Maybe next time, you’ll enjoy it more. Come to think of it – Harry?”

Having been unable to withstand the brutal assault of the Cryptophallus on his virgin hole, Harry had passed out. Smiling triumphantly to herself, Hermione began to dress herself.

We’ve all been there Harry. Well, maybe not there, but you know what I mean.

Harry was chained up by his wrists in a dungeon chamber somewhere beneath the school. He had been impregnated by the Cryptophallid polyps in his asshole. They had been growing steadily for the past few hours, until he could barely walk. When that happened, Hermione had lured him to the dungeon, then overpowered him with her superior grasp of magic and chained him. When Harry asked her what was happening, she had just smiled and said, “You’ll see.”

Is Harry posessed by the Demon from the Exorcist? Because that’s the only way he’ll be able to see his own ass.

An hour after he had been chained, he felt his insides suddenly swell. Then, without warning, each of the polyps matured, then finally came bursting out. Harry’s asshole blew open and his buttocks disintegrated as the Cryptopolyps exited his body.

Nevermind then. I stand corrected.

Each one had matured into an eight-inch-long penis with eight spindly arachnid legs and a pair of wickedly sharp fangs.

Well, that’s… imaginative. Give him a gold star and an A for effort. An F for everything else.

The fangs were rooted in venom sacs which contained a fast-acting neurotoxin for paralyzing their mother’s rapemeat. They came skittering out and made loud clicking noises as they moved crab-like across the floor.Harry made a sickened gargling sound as several dozens of the putrid things raced out of his stretched, torn, bleeding anus. Then his eyes rolled back up in his head and a trickle of blood came from his left nostril. He was gone.

Damn it, Hermione! Don’t go lighting the Goblet of Fire in peoples asses. It’s not right.

They moved quickly out of the chamber and into the rest of the school. Because of their magical nature, they were able to secrete acidic semen from their dickholes to bore tunnels through the wall of the school.

Where the hell did these creatures evolve?! Krypton?!

One by one, they dropped into the Gryffindor girl’s dormitory. It was night-time, and all the girls were asleep in their beds, safe back from the trip to Hogsmeade. All the better.

They worked quickly. Each eight-legged cock crawled up a bedpost and into the sheets. Each one stuffed itself into a juicy young teenage snatch. The girls all at once began moaning and shrieking. However, it didn’t take long for each Cryptopolyp to force itself into each girl’s cervix. As soon as this was done, each Cryptopolyp expended its magical potential in casting the Imperius curse on girl.

Yep, definitely Krypton. DAMN YOU, ZOD!

Very soon, every single girl in the dormitory was under Hermione’s control. Laying in her bed, the Cryptophallid smiled her reptilian smile. She sat up in bed and seized up her control of all of the girls. They lined up obediently and moved behind her. Under her iron command, each girl crept down into the Gryffindor lobby, then up into the boy’s dormitory.

Meanwhile, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff, and Slytherin all started slitting their wrists. Dumbledore knew what must be done, and prepared to nuke them from orbit. The only way to be sure.

The lobby awoke to screams and shrieks of agony that night. Each boy was being raped in the ass by a sadistic new-born Cryptophallid. The two stages of reproduction had been completed, and now rape was being commited en masse. Several boys, Ron Weasley among them, were lined up against a wall, helpless without their wands. Ron was having his rear end reamed by a pretty blonde girl with an enormous Cryptophallus.

Well, look at it this way. She could look like this:


“Spread your ass, sweetheart,” said the girl. Ron, thinking this might ease the pain, reach behind himself and pried open his pale, freckled ass cheeks. The Cryptophallus punched its way into his tight asshole again and again, lubricated by blood and a bad case of diarrhea. This last was owed to some Mexican food that Ron had tried in a novelty shop at Hogsmeade. Suffice to say, it had not gone well in his belly.

Really Ron? You’re worrying about your shit inducing dinner right now?

“Unh,” said the blonde girl, batting her long eyelashes as she slammed her massive cock into the boy’s poor ass, coming immediately. Cryptophallid spore-juice dripped out of Ron’s raw butthole. The floor of the place was wet and sticky with blood, semen, spores and a sweet Crypto-vaginal fuckjuice cocktail, which dripped from the oozing cunts of all the schoolgirls. The boys on either side of Ron soon got the burning semen treatment as well. The wholesale rape of the Gryffindor boys was complete in a few minutes. Then, the real fun began.

Hermione made sure to keep all the boys down on the ground for several hours while the Cryptospores gestated. In a short time, each boy’s ass blew off and produced dozens more fully mature Cryptopolyps, each one envenomed and ready to serve its wicked Mistress. Hermione smiled at her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks.
“Soon,” she said, rubbing her hands together, “I will rule this school!”

“Hermione smiled at her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks
Hermione smiled at her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks
Hermione smiled at her new army of skittering, chittering, gibbering cocks

The original.

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