With all of the talking heads online praising how great Dark Souls 2 is and shaming me for being a pansy and not open-minded enough about hard games, I was about ready to buckle under the pressure. Fortunately, troll gamer Strippin’ of Yogscast had managed to reaffirm my resolve that every single one of the gamers who played this game online are dicks, and the game is not worth the grief it’ll inevitably bestow upon me.
You see, the types of online players in Dark Souls 2 are divided into colors, with white being a friendly “Phantom” who will help you and hold your hands and possibly traipse along the fields giggling to each other like the BFFs that you are. On the other side of that coin are the red Phantoms, whose only goal in life is to dick you so hard you’ll taste scrotum. But that’s cool, right? You just need to trust whitey and stay the fuck away from the reds, right? [Editor’s Note: Change that wording NOW, goddammit!]
Well, what if I told you that there is an item in the game that can disguise your dickish red Phantom self so that you appear as a white Phantom to other players? What do you think will happen?
Dickishness. Dickishness is what will happen.
The trap is sprung in two steps: first, the asshole procures a White Ring accessory, and next he’ll enter into a Rat King Covenant at either the Grave of Saints or the Door of Pharros. All he has to do now is to wait for a “fellow trespasser” to come close, act all friendly-like, and when the most opportune moment comes, kill the victim dead in the most humiliating fashion ever. Possibly with some tea-bagging involved.
I can understand the need to make the game more challenging by dicking other people before they dicked you, but I can only understand that when the game just felt too easy. What I DON’T understand is the URGE to be an even BIGGER cockhole in a game that is ALREADY filled with cockholes trying to dick you so hard you’ll taste scrotum. That’s not how normal people behaves.
No, that’s how fucking homicidal MANIACS behave, and I for one refused to roleplay with ANYONE who thinks nothing of dropping me into a pit and making dresses out of my goddamn SKIN!