Terrible Monster!  Monster & Goblin!  Monster Bucket!  Bucket of Monsters!  This set of creatures is known by all of those names.  You see, among the bajillion different toys floating out there, some seem to exist outside of copyright and can be produced by anybody.  One only has to think of the plastic dinos that became D&D monsters, or thos constamtly-reappearing finger puppet monsters.  And today’s set, as far as we can tell, originally showed up bagged and called “Terrible Monster,” though these figures have been in lots of places under lots of different names.  I got mine off Amazon as “Monster Bucket” for $20.  That’s a pretty good deal for a bunch of terrain pieces and about sixty small monster figures.


Let’s get this out of the way first:  This is Hell.  And not in the “Here are some mythological demons” way, I mean that, literally, this bucket is filled with the tormented souls of the damned.  We’re talking some serious Hieronymous Bosch here… and since a few figures look kind of like medieval paintings, maybt that is quite appropriate, after all.  For generic monsters, these things are incredibly twisted.  They’re fascinating.


Anyway, on a more practical note, everything in this bucket is made of cheap plastic.  There are twelve monster combinations and four colors, but your assortment is random – only one monster came in every color in my set, and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a mono-color set of all of them.  I’ sure that atthe factory, they throw in one of every sculpt, and then just some random handfuls. So, let’s take a look at the contents of this bucket, shall we?  Starting with the terrain.



This castle is clearly where evil lives.  Screw Castle Grayskull, Castle Purpleskull is hardcore.  I love how the colors are bleeding, too, as if that giant snake is infecting everything it touches.



Okay, can you really look at this tree and tell me that it isn’t Hell?  You get two of these in the set.



You also get two coaches and eight horses, which is great when you want to re-enact the opening scenes of Dracula.  And yes, I know that  kind of messed up with the floor terrain pieces.



You also get two treasure chests, both of which came with broken hinges.  They can fit a few monsters inside, though.



This is the Devil.  There’s really no two ways about it.  Also, that severed head he’s holding has a handle on the other end, so maybe it’s a mask, maybe it’s a shield, or maybe he jamed it into a bloody severed body part.



This witch is somewhat more generic than most, though I have to wonder what she is pointing at.



Maybe this guy is a zombie, but really he looks like a hunchbacked henchman from any one of many Hammer horror films. You can let him drive the coach.



And then we have this.  This… thing.  What is he?  Fat rolls? A  coiled snake?  Made of tires?  Everything about him is strange, especially those wedges on his torso.



Remember the imps from Doom?  That’s what this guy is, pretty much.  A big imp.  His fur skirt is way too short, too.



This horrible, twisted thing is some sort of hellhound caught in mid-gallop.  I especially love how its face is distorted and stretched for no good reason except to make us all feel uneasy.



What are you?  WHAT ARE YOU?!?!  This thing defies all description.   Blob?  Chicken?  Egg?  Why hole?  Webbed feet?  Smile?   AAAUUUUUAAAGH.



This mummy has two heads.  Note how they are both wracked with dead-eyed agony, indicating that they are two souls bound together in torment for all eternity.



This fat goblin looks horrified at the sights he is forced to witness every day.  He also has massive thumb claws.



Speaking of fat goblins, this one has three eyes and a forked tongue, which is more out-and-out”medieval demon than his buddy.



Is it funny that a corpse clawing its way out of its own grave is one of the less-disturbing images in this set?



And finally, you might think, “Oh, it’s just a robot!  That’s nice.”  But no, look closer.  This is no robot.  Do you remember the Twilight Zone episode where that creepy child turned his father into a Jack-in-the-Box?  Yes.  Yes, this man’s sveered head has been grafted onto a spring-loaded monstrosity, his eyes replaced with what could be either sticks or worms.  He is in torment, my friend.  Torment everlasting.



Anyway, I just want to say that, although I may hve reviwed some weird toys before, Terrible Monster really takes the cake.  Just what was going through the minds of the people who designed them?  And, uh, y’know, I’m against profiling and in favor of warrants and all, but maybe the police should just, like… pay them a visit.  Check up on them, make sure everything’s all right.  Look in the basement.  or the freezer.


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